


The Happy Baker

by Merenwen76



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Meant To Be, Mutual Pining, baker!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-23 00:15:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30046992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merenwen76/pseuds/Merenwen76
Summary: Jensen Ackles is happy. He has his café, two great employees, and Grizabelle, the neighbor's cat. He has a long-standing Friends with Benefit relationship, and is otherwise free and unattached. Good, Jensen is a grumpy cynic who doesn't think much of committed relationships. The young guy standing in his café one day won't change that. Because Jensen is happy, right?
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 77
Kudos: 110
Collections: SPN Meant to Be Master Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cyncitymojo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyncitymojo/gifts), [firesign10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/firesign10/gifts), [Jerzcaligrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerzcaligrl/gifts).



> Notes: 
> 
> Written for the Mean to be Challenge  
> Original Prompt: The Happy Baker : We've all been there. The blind date from hell. The Big Hurt. The guy who details his various surgeries over Caesar salad on the first date. Who needs a pint of rocky road when you can head to the kitchen and work out your heartache with a whisk and a bottle of wine? Erin Bolger has been there, dated that, and baked through it all. Turns out the more bitter the heartbreak, the sweeter the batter. So don't cry over bad dates, bad boyfriends, or bad breakups – whip up a batch of My-Mom-Didn't-Like-You-Anyway Cupcakes and bake yourself happy.
> 
> This story has grown so close to my heart over the last few weeks that I hardly want to give it away. LOL. But with you I share them gladly. I didn't take many elements from the prompts except for the book title, but rather made my own story out of it. , I hope you'll like it anyway. The story is mainly Jensen's perspective. Should you be hoping for hot porn, I have to disappoint you. This story is all about a small cafe, the baker who is looking for his place in life, and a young man who has his own past. The story is funny, sad, and thoughtful. I hope you give it a chance, because it really means a lot to me.
> 
> Oh one more thing: all the recipes are real! Have fun baking them!
> 
> The most important: Jerzcaligrl; Firesign10.  
> Again I stand before you and can only thank you a thousand times. How you have helped me in the last weeks, with your time, with your support and motivation, is just priceless!  
> Cyncitymojo; Your motivating words, the brainstorming in the middle of the night, your squealing and (virtual) hugging, all that made this story possible.
> 
> Lastly, all my girls from FFF, I love you!

The cell phone woke him up at three am. Sleepily, Jensen let his hand slide over the empty half of the bed next to him until he finally found the phone. The display was too bright and announced a good morning at 72 degrees and a 30% chance of rain. Tired, Jensen rubbed his eyes and straightened up.

It was Monday. It was too early. And he had forgotten to buy coffee. _Fuck_.

He climbed into the small shower in his two-room apartment and waited for the water to reach a temperature that didn't resemble a Siberian mountain lake. With both hands he supported himself on the ugly beige tiles and let the water run over his hair and back. If it was Monday, what happened to Sunday?

A few memories were awakened when he saw the stamp of a club and _glitter?_ washed off his arms.

 _Fuck!_ Chris and tequila were a shitty combination.

After showering, he brushed his teeth and rinsed the foul taste of hangover from his mouth. The fridge seemed more like a wailing wall, with the request to finally stuff something meaningful into it.

No coffee, no cold pizza--it was going to be a horrible day.

Jensen slipped into his (no longer fresh but still okay) jeans and his favorite Zeppelin shirt. He pulled the black hoodie up to the collar and pulled his Beanie deep over his ears. The day may be sunny, but at half past three in the morning it was crisp and cold.

Outside on the street, he paused briefly, enjoying the cold air rushing into his lungs before he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the pack of Marlboros. He lit it and took a first puff. The cigarette between his teeth, he walked for thirty minutes to the café.

He could have taken his car (Where did he park it, dammit?) or the subway, but then he wouldn't be able to smoke, for one thing, and for another he'd had to put up with the other down-and-out characters sitting with him in the too-bright, too-loud booth for ten minutes, staring dully ahead of them and wondering what they'd done wrong in their lives to ride the subway at such an early hour. Just outside the store, he flicked the stub of his second cigarette into the small ashtray Nicki had put there last year. Frustrated, she had taught Jensen a lesson about pollution, nicotine, blah blah, and since then Jensen's cigarette butts had dutifully landed in the cup. If he imagined he was flicking the butt into his landlord Mr. Fuller’s shitface, well, that was his secret.

The sky was still dark when Jensen pushed up the front door’s rolling shutter at four o'clock. He opened the store door and the familiar scent of baked goods and coffee beans filled his senses. With quick strides, he hurried behind the counter and hugged the way-too-expensive, but worth every penny, portafilter machine.

"Oh baby, I missed you." The cell phone landed in the charging station. _Foreigner_ started their "Feels Like The First Time" and coffee beans were ground. The smell of the freshly ground powder made Jensen's eyes roll with joy. The powder was scooped into the sieve and pressed firmly with the tamper. Jensen turned the sieve into the machine as the water was already heating up. With perfect 10 bar pressure, the hot water was pressed through the sieve section with the coffee powder and dark, rich espresso ran into the small, white cup.

With the hot espresso in his hand, Jensen opened the back door of the store. Hugh would arrive in ten minutes with the bagels and panini. Nicki would finish them later.

Jensen leaned against the brickwork of the back of the store. The sun was very slowly beginning to show in the sky. Grizabelle, the neighbor's fat cat, sat on the ledge, a dead mouse in her jaws. Jensen and the cat eyed each other suspiciously. But the territory was clearly distributed, as Grizabelle did not share her mouse and Jensen held on tightly to his espresso. Jensen took the first sip, and groaned softly as the espresso danced on his taste buds. Grizabelle gnawed on her prey. Both parties were satisfied.

After receiving the goods from Hugh and signing off on the delivery bill, Jensen began to prepare. Hoodie and beanie were exchanged for the white apron and the white baking cap. His short, light-brown hair disappeared under the cap and he washed his hands extensively. The work surface was floured and the first dough was mixed. Flour and butter combined under his fingers, egg yolks and whites were separated and whipped. Biscuit and shortcrust dough end up in the two preheated ovens, and a quiche was baked later in the third.

A good cake does not need much. But it needed time, passion, and good ingredients. That was the basis for success. And Jensen valued each of these three basic steps. You want a quick cupcake? Then piss off to a Starbucks. Baking is art. You had to find the right balance between sweet and fruity, between tart cocoa and fresh whipped cream. Between ripe raspberries and a touch of red pepper.

When Nicki appeared in the store at five o'clock, there were 40 chocolate cheesecake muffins and another 50 blueberry buttermilk muffins in the oven. The cake layers were cooling on their grates, and Jensen was peeling fresh mangos that he’d talked Hugh into giving him.

Nicki had been a barista at the Happy Baker Café for two years. She loved her job and she had a knack for coffee, even though no one comes close to Jensen, the perfectionist. Coffee and Jensen, they were soulmates.

Whistling, she unlocked the store door, AirPods stuck in her ears, and her short, blonde hair bobbed in an inaudible beat. She put on the lilac-colored sales apron, prepared herself a Flat White, and came into the back of the bakery. Jensen raised his head as he pureed the mangos, and they both stared at each other for a moment.

"You look like shit," Nicki observed.

"You have a nose ring,." Jensen replied.

"Yeah, so?" Sure enough, a small silver stone flashed in Nicki's stubby nose.

"That's going to get infected."

"Piercings often do."

"Why did you do that?"

"Hey, have I ever criticized your tattoos?" Jensen had two tattoos, one on each arm. But hardly anyone ever got to see them, or understood their meaning. His father asked him if this was his kind of rebellion, and his mother punished them both with ignorance.

"They're works of art. That one," he waved his hand in the direction of Nicki's nose, "is an assault."

Nicki gave him the middle finger. "Fuck you. I think it's cool."

"You'll regret it."

"And you still look like shit."

Jensen loved Nicki.

***

At six o'clock, Nicki opened the store. Sandwiches, bagels,and paninis wereon display. Jake arrived, as usual, at a little after six. "Sorry, the subway," was his standard excuse. While the two provided the first tired customers with coffee and breakfast, Jensen put the finished cupcakes and muffins in the display. Two cakes were in the fridge and the quiche was cooling down.

"Wow, tough weekend Jensen?" asked Jake, and Jensen just murmured "And still, _I_ was on time" in his direction. He switched his iPhoneto his own Classic '70s morning playlist.

Chris had sent him two messages. One picture showed Jensen, apparently at a club, holding a half-naked twink and asked _"Who's that?"_ And then a picture of Jensen, naked, at home drooling all over his pillow. "Had mega fun sunshine, see you in three months."

Jensen replies with a _“What do I know“_ and a middle finger.

He grabbed the chalkboard and chalk and wrote:

_Today's Special_

_Mango-passionfruit cake with white chocolate mousse._

And a little lower:

_I don't think there will be enough middle fingers for this Monday._

Well, that was the thing with Jensen. He was a gifted baker. He loved what he did. But he was just an introverted son of a bitch when it came to fellow humans. And he didn't have to worry about his boss firing him for his crappy mood.

Because Jensen was the boss.

Welcome, to the _Happy Baker_.


	2. Chapter 2

_Autumn Leaves Cupcakes_

_1¾ cup brown sugar  
¾ cup white sugar  
3 cups all-purpose flour  
½ teaspoon baking soda  
1 tablespoon baking powder  
½ teaspoon salt  
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon  
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg  
1 teaspoon ground ginger  
1 cup butter, melted  
2 eggs, beaten  
1 ¼ cups milk  
1 cup chopped cranberries  
1 cup chopped, peeled apple  
½ cup chopped dried figs  
¾ cup chopped toasted hazelnuts_

_Step 1  
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease muffin pans or line with paper muffin liners._

_Step 2  
In a large bowl, stir together the brown sugar, white sugar, flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger. Make a well in the center, and add the melted butter, milk, and eggs. Mix until smooth. Stir in the cranberries, apple, figs, and hazelnuts. Spoon the batter into the prepared muffin pans. Cups should be at least 3/4 full._

_Step 3  
Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven or until a toothpick inserted into a muffin comes out clean._

***  
 _October_

Austin was a beautiful city that was worth a trip any time of the year. While most tourists avoidedthe hot summer months, fall wasa prime travel month. The maple trees were a vibrant red and the climate was pleasant. And, of course, there was the tornado season, which annually attracted tens of curious people who think they've found their inner Dennis Quaid since _Twister_.

Jensen's store was off the tourist roads. Had he wanted to be a sleazy businessman, he would have grabbed one of those franchise businesses, put on a toothpaste smile, and cut his balls off.

October was always a lousy month for Jensen. Starting at the first of the month, everyone was planning a Halloween party and looking for the most original costume. Or, in other words, _How do I dress in as little as possible without being called a hooker?_

Chris texted from Boston. The concert was a huge success and he was going to be interviewed for the _Sound of Boston_ Magazine. Jensen sent him a selfie with a thumbs up, and focused back on the apple cinnamon muffins in front of him. It was not October until you baked something with _apples_.

Jensen and Chris had their own form of relationship. When they meet, sparks flew, worlds collapsed, or in other words, they drank too much, smoked too much, and had too much sex. There was no deep commitment, no strings attached. They each enjoyed their freedom, and that's what made this relationship so perfect. No commitment, no happily ever after, no mindless monogamy. "You know I don't have a problem with you dating someone else?" Chris kept insisting, and Jensen knew it's true. Because Chris lived it that way. Again and again, he saw photos of Chris on Twitter; other cities...other hookups. But in the end, Chris returned to him, and Jensen always opened the door. Jensen himself was too busy, there was no time and no need to invest even more in another person. If he really wanted to, fast, anonymous sex was just a click away. Hurray for modern technology. Jensen didn't need more. He was happy with the way it was. He had his bakery, his passion, and he had Nicki, Jake, and Grizabella.

Life could be perfect if it weren't for the customers.

Like Chad. Every morning. Every _damn_ morning. A typical 'I'll stare at the selection for five minutes and then have a cafe latte after all, as usual.' The blond young man is studying environment and politics. Chad has been a regular customer since the very beginning. And he never tired of lecturing Jensen, criticizing him, or doing anything to drive Jensen crazy- like breathing.

"What do you want, Chad?" Jensen asked, annoyed.

"The nuts in the muffins are undeclared." Chad pointed out.

"What?" Jensen stared at him questioningly.

"The hazelnuts. They're not specifically mentioned," Chad replied in a neutral, almost bored tone.

"There's a _whole_ hazelnut on top of every muffin."Jensen waved his hand over the muffins, trying to understand why he got into a pointless discussion with Chad again.

"I might be allergic to the nuts," Chad interjected.

"Are you allergic?“ Jensen crossed his arms in front of his body and rocked on his heels.

"Not yet, but who knows." Chad shrugged.

Jensen runs his palm over his face. "Chad, if you don't like my Autumn muffin, then just choose a different one."

"But this one is new. I already know all the others," poutedChad.

"Then just eat it." Jensen rolled his eyes. Lord have mercy.

"And what if my throat swells and I can't breathe?"

"That would be too good to be true," Jensen stated dryly.

Chad looked offended, but then finally took an Autumn Muffin. "You still have to declare the nuts."

„I'm about to declare _your_ nuts if you're not gone soon."

Chad disappeared, taking his Autumn Muffin with undeclared hazelnuts with him, and Jensen waited for the cappuccino for Mrs. Turner that Nicki prepared. He handed her the hot drink along with a slice of apple-pecan pie (it's October!).

"Is there still no nice lady in your life, Jensen? My niece is a student here in Austin, and she's single, too," askedthe charming, but unfortunately also very curious lady.

Jensen put on his most convincing mother-in-law smile. "Mrs.Turner, you know, if I can't have you..."

"Oh stop it." She smiled and left the store elated.

It's not that Jensen didn't get offers. Women, like men, flirted with him unabashedly. And mothers who were convinced that their daughter would be just right for Jensen. But Jensen did not believe in the one true love. The uncompromising "only you alone" enslavement. Why should you tie yourself to one person your whole life? People tended to disappoint. And then you woke up one morning, realizing that you actually detest the person next to you, but you stay together because, oh, it's just the way it is now.

Jensen had experienced this first hand, every day, at the sight of his parents. A farce of a probably once romantic relationship. Living together is less complicated than breaking up. As banal as it is true. No, Jensen never wanted to end up like that. Rather, he preferred staying alone, leading a semi-single life with occasional intoxicating sex and a morning coffee with the neighbor’s fat cat.

No one will change that...

"Your board is pretty sarcastic."

If there was a sex god in this world, he must have patted himself on the shoulder when creating the young man before him. Jensen had to look way up to see his face, and _sweet lord Jesus_ , found himself looking into the most fascinating eyes he had ever seen.

"I'll tell it to be less sarcastic." Just because Adonis was standing in front of him, it didn't give him the right to insult his chalkboard.

"Wow, are you always this grumpy?" the man asked, but his grin made the question moot. Jensen's gaze lingered on the adorable dimples for a moment too long.

"Pff, that was nothing. Come in on a Thursday afternoon," Nicki intervened.

"Hey, nobody asked you." Jensen looked over his shoulder and saw Nicki grinning mischievously at him.

"What's Thursday afternoon?" The young man asked, with a curious look.

"Mother-child swim class.“ Jake laughed from the side and Jensen grimaced.

"Oh, okay..." stammered the still impossibly good-looking guy.

"Just don't ask. What can I get you?" Jensen asked, looking hypnotized at the man's pink tongue, which flashed out as he studied the coffee selection. Oh please, let him be an espresso guy, maybe a lungo, or....

"I'd like a large caramel macchiato with an extra shot of caramel."

"No."

"But, it's on the board..."

"No."

"But..."

"You can't just order a Caramel Macchiato for the first time, and then ask for an extra shot right away." Jensen rests both hands on the counter and reaffirms his stance.

"I like it sweet though." The stranger tried to defend himself.

"Then have a Lollipop."

"But I'd like a coffee..."

"Then act like a coffee drinker. These beans have been passionately roasted, ground, and prepared to perfection. I won't let you drown them in caramel syrup without tasting first." Jensen loses himself in his passion for a moment, and at the least now it should be clear to the young man that Jensen is not joking when it comes to the honor of his coffee beans.

"Okaaaaay, then I'll have a caramel macchiato please, with the _option_ of another shot." The smile that looks at Jensen makes his knees soften and makes him ignore even the pointed remark.

Jensen snorted in offense, but set about preparing the Macchiato himself. Hot milk met velvety milky foam that was churned into strong black espresso. Three perfect layers formed and glided over each other like waves. On top of the milk foam, Jensen created a flower using thick golden brown caramel syrup.

He proudly presented his work of art to the newcomer.

"Taste."

"Shouldn't I stir it?"

Only a growl was heard from Jensen's side.

Carefully, the young man brought the coffee cup to his mouth, while his hazel-colored eyes scrutinized Jensen. The caramel sweetened his lips, the warm milk foam danced on his tongue, and the hot, robust, delicious coffee finished it off.

"Hot," he groaned.

"It's coffee." Was the reply.

"Damn good coffee." The young man winked at him.

"I should think so."

"Thank you, and can I have one of the so charmingly advertised Autumn muffins?"

"The nuts in them are undeclared," Jensen said cynically.

"Why would they be? You can see them." The young man frowned.

"Oh my God," Nicki said, patting her chest theatrically. "Jensen has competition."

Amused, the young man followed the look between the two clerks. "Come to think of it, I'd like two muffins. One for here, and wrap the other, please."

"And what name do I put on the bag?" Jensen asked with a wink. And yes he was flirting, so what?

The young man smiled back just as provocatively. "Jared."

Jensen wrapped the second muffin and Jared paid with a few dollar bills, leaving a tip on the counter.

"Come honor us again." Jensen called out to him as Jared was already walking toward the door. It seemed as if Jared was briefly thinking of an answer, but then he just nodded, opened the door and walked out, past the sign that had caught his attention earlier.

_Don’t be ashamed  
of who you are.  
That’s your  
parent’s job._

***

_Helloween_

Halloween was always a busy day. Customers bought donuts with sugar spiders and spiced lattes in large quantities. Nicki wore little flashing devil horns and a t-shirt saying 'This demon can be bribed with chocolate'. Jake wore an eye patch and a pirate hat. His t-shirt said 'Candy Corn is my favorite vegetable', and he shouted an "Arrrr" at each customer. Jensen carried a tray of Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake Bars and wore a red flannel shirt over a Rolling Stones t-shirt.

"Happy Halloween," shouted Felicia (cappuccino with soy milk), wearing an elf costume with pointy ears. "Wow Jensen, you really went all out."

Jensen rolled his eyes as he made the coffee. "I don't mind Halloween, I just don't see the point in making a fool of myself by putting on some costume and having that be a reason to get drunk."

Felicia snorted. "It's about just getting out of yourself a little bit. Having fun and letting your inner child out."

"I'm having fun," Jensen said in all seriousness.

"Anyway, I have a date with a King's son later, so wish me luck." The petite young woman threw everyone an air kiss and bounced out of the store.

"Have fun!" Nicki exclaimed.

Jensen glanced at the people passing by on the sidewalk through the small window. The six tables in the store were unoccupied, but that was no surprise since most people were too busy today to enjoy their coffee in peace.

Jake approached him and looked outside as well. "You're going to a party?" He asked his boss.

Chris was in Myrtle Beach, and had sent a beach picture with a ‘miss you‘ underneath. The four guys partying with him in the background seemed to be doing a good job of distracting him though.

"You know you're welcome to join us? Allie and the kids have decorated the whole house. And we always have too much to eat anyway."

Jake was the Hallmark example of a perfect family. Married for five years, with two children ages four and two. All healthy, all happy, all loving each other so much. Yeah, no thanks.

"Thanks Jake, but I've got plans."

"What, your dating apps?" Nicki interjected sarcastically.

"Hey! Don't interfere with my sex life okay? " Jensen snorted as an amused voice sounded behind him.

"Happy Halloween! What about your sex life?" Jared's soft honey voice shot straight into Jensen's groin.

"It doesn't exist!" Nicki giggled, and helped the next customer before Jensen could throw anything at her.

With a quip on the tip of his tongue, Jensen turned around only to stare spellbound at Jared's hair.

"You're wearing kitten ears?!" He blurted, stunned.

"So? It's Halloween?" Jared grinned.

"Have you no dignity?"

"I keep coming here, after all, even though the boss of the place treats his customers in a decidedly dubious manner."

"Touché." Jensen agreed with him.

"What can you recommend for me today?" Jared asked in a serious tone, while Jensen couldn't stop staring at the plush ears.

"Taking off the kitten ears isn't on the table, is it?"

"Not a chance!"

"Okay how about a filled donut with a mixture of currant jelly and sweet orange marmalade."

"You had me at _filled donut_." Jared laughed.

Jared was easy-going and always had a smile on his face. It was inconceivable to Jensen how anyone could be in such a good mood all the time. But Jared did it with an ease and naturalness that took over the whole room.

"Wrap up a second one, please?" heasked, his full attention on Jensen.

That, too, had stuck. Jared got his macchiato, (without a second shot!) a cupcake, donut, or muffin in hand, and the second one he had Jensen pack up for later.

"So Jared, are you going out to party today?" Nicki asked, bringing his macchiato to him.

"I don't think so. I don't know that many people yet and I have to get up early tomorrow."

"You're welcome to go with me. You'll have met enough people after this party." Nicki joked.

"Thanks, but I have another job interview tomorrow."

"Oh, for what?" Nicki asked curiously, and Jensen catches himself listening.

Jared blushed slightly. “It's for a job as an evening school teacher. English and history four times a week. The pay is okay and I'd be free during the day."

"Why not during the day?" asked Jensen, and Jared started to stutter a little with an answer. In fact, Jensen knew very little about Jared, only that he was originally from Austin, and then lived in New York for five years. He had studied and worked there, and had now moved back to Austin. Jared skirted the question about the move every time, and at one point Jensen stopped asking. This time, however, something seems to be stirring inside Jared. Was Jensen actually going to find out more about this gorgeous mystery man?

"I ..."

"HAPPY HALLOWEEN BITCHES! And fear my fire!"

Out of nowhere, a large green plush dragon with a big tail wagging across the floor, stood in the entrance of the bakery.

"For God's sake, Chad, you're destroying everything with your tail." Jensen desperately tried to catch Chad's tail which swung every time he moved.

"Rrrroarr, die of fear at the sight of me!"

"I'm dying of laughter!" Jensen countered, without even a hint of a smile.

"I am Peter Pan's archenemy! Grrrrr!" Chad tried to be ferocious, and Jensen grimaced.

"Wasn't that Captain Hook?" Jared asked cynically.

"Who said that?" Chad exclaimed, trying to turn around in the too-small cafe in the too-big costume.

"Watch your fucking dick, Chad!" Jensen snapped, annoyed, but Chad ignored the heckling.

"I need a dozen spider donuts. And the ladies dig my green tail!"

"Oh, God, I'll never get that image out of my head." Jensen rubbed the bridge of his nose in despair.

"And a green smoothie!" Chad demanded cockily.

"We don't have smoothies, we have coffee here, Chad." Jensen sneered as he packed the donuts.

"You should think about it. Everyone has smoothies now."

"Then go where there are some,." Jensen yelled in frustration.

"The donuts don't taste good there," Chad grumbled, pulling out his credit card.

"I've got to go." Jared smiled, and Jensen felt the urge to beat up a stuffed crocodile.

"Hey Jared, hold on a second." Jensen didn't know what was going on with himself, but he let go of Chad's green dragon tail and walked towards Jared.

"There's a little club that has nothing to do with Halloween. The food is good and so is the beer." A little nervously, Jensen pulled his cell phone out of his back jeans pocket. "I mean...if you maybe want to go out and have a bite."

Just then, a Grindr text message popped up on Jensen's screen. A half-naked man was visible in the small picture and the clear request to trick or treat with his hot magic wand. Jensen felt his cheeks turning red, and when he looked up, it was unmistakable that Jared had read the message as well. Was it embarrassment or rejection? Jensen couldn’t interpret it, but Jared stepped back a bit.

"Thanks for the offer, Jensen. Maybe some other time, okay?"

Jensen nodded and glanced to the side. "Sure, no problem."

Too quickly, Jared left the small store and Jensen remained lost in thought for a moment.

"So what's going to happen with my smoothie idea?" A voice chimed in behind him. Jensen turned around slowly, with a look that would make a normal person freeze with fear.

"Chad, if you and your monstrosity of a costume don't get out of here on the spot, I'm going to make a handbag out of you, you got that?"

In a flash, Chad disappeared, and Jensen angrily stomped to the back. _Damn you all._

He pulled out his cell phone again. He didn’t need Chris, and stupid photos, or the ideal family at Jake's, and he certainly didn’t need Jared looking at him and judging him.

Determined, he opened the Grindr app and sent a 'Lets take a ride' message to the young man with a clear offer.


	3. Chapter 3

_Mini Pumpkin Butterscotch Muffins_

_1 ¾ cups all-purpose flour  
½ cup brown sugar  
½ cup white sugar  
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon  
½ teaspoon ground ginger  
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg  
1 teaspoon baking soda  
¼ teaspoon baking powder  
½ teaspoon salt  
2 eggs  
½ cup melted butter  
1 cup canned pumpkin  
1 (6 ounce) package butterscotch chips_

_Step 1  
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease mini-muffin pan with cooking spray._

_Step 2  
Sift together the flour, brown sugar, white sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into a large bowl. Whisk together the eggs, butter, and pumpkin in a separate bowl. Mix the flour mixture with the egg mixture. Stir in the butterscotch chips; pour into each cup of the muffin pan to about 3/4 full._

_Step 3  
Bake in preheated oven until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean, 10 to 12 minutes._

November

Alex was a classic espresso doppio. A little shy on the outside, but scratch the surface and a warm guy with a strong character emerged. In general, Jensen liked him. Espresso people were good people. That's why Jensen just ignored him today. At least that was what he intended to do.

"Wow, Jensen, you know only douchebags wear sunglasses indoors."

"Maybe I just don't want to have to see the misery around me in livingcolors all the time." Jensen really tried to dial down the snark factor in his reply.

"Have a nice day, Alex." Nicki put on her most charming smile before she slowly turned to Jensen. "What do you say we take a little smoke break, Jensen?" Nicki suggested, directing Jensen out back into the courtyard.

Tired, Jensen leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette. "I thought you don't like it when I smoke."

"I don’t, but the sight of you behind the counter is scaring away the customers," Nicki informed him.

Jensen snorted, but didn't know how to counter that either.

"What's wrong with you? Halloween was two days ago, you still look like a living corpse and ..." Nicki started carefully, and Jensen pushed the sunglasses on his nose a little higher.

"What's the matter? It was Halloween. I went out and had sex with Harry Potter. Do I have to explain to my employees how I spent my evening?"

"Jensen," Nicki asked cautiously, "do you remember the text message you sent me that night?“

Jensen felt his stomach tighten. "What do you mean?" He remained vague.

With a sly smile, Nicki pulled out her cell phone. "Nic, Harry Potter is a dickhead. And his broomstick is way shorter than he promised."

Jensen shrugged his shoulders. "Sounds like me."

Nicky scrolled on, unperturbed. "Nic, I hate this, what the fuck am I doing?"

Jensen stared at a shard of brown glass on the ground, illuminated by the sun.

Unfortunately, Nicky had more. "...but what's the alternative? Walking down the street holding hands and grinning stupidly? Giving my heart to someone who will stick it in a dresser drawer somewhere until it rots there forever? Fuck, Nicky, I am not a relationship kind of man. Am I?"

Jensen took a drag on his cigarette, inhaling the smoke deeply, ignoring the bite in his lungs. "Nicky, what the fuck - I was drunk, ok? That's when you talk shit."

"That’s when you talk the truth sometimes," Nicky countered, glaring at Jensen. "I know you're my boss and never, ever have I tempted you away from your _I live totally happily in an open relationship_ , which we both know isn't one. Chris keeps you warm as a safe haven. He uses you when he needs love and attention, and then he throws you away again. And you, you think you're not worth falling in love with, but you're wrong, Jensen. Yes, relationships can fail and they can suck and hurt, but what you're doing here isn't any healthier."

"Shit, Nicki, did you take a night course in psychology and now you're using me as a guinea pig?" Jensen hissed at her, hoping to piss her off for good.

"Jensen, that doesn't work on me and you should know that by now."

Jensen puckered the corners of his mouth. "It was worth a shot."

"Is there no one who really fascinates you--aside from Chris, the asshole? Someone you just want to get to know, who intrigues you and you have to think about because he’s special to you. Really no one you can think of?"

There are things we can influence. How we hold our hands, or how we can focus on our breath when we meditate on it. And then there were the _pink elephants_. No matter what you do, no matter how you resist, if someone told you to absolutely _not_ think about a pink elephant - you do just that. You see it in front of you. Our brain gives us a big middle finger and shows us the biggest, pinkest elephant imaginable. Jensen's pink elephant was a 6 foot 4 tall lanky guy, with hazel eyes and a smile- that Jensen loved and feared in equal measure. It scared him because it triggered something in him that didn't exist in his theory of life.

He saw only one solution. "Okay."

Confused, Nicky looked over at him. "Okay, what?"

Jensen flicked the cigarette butt smugly next to Nicky's bucket. "You mean it's up to me, fine, find me someone. Three dates. Maximum. If they're all nothing - I never want to hear about it from you again."

Like a little ball of energy, Nicky bounced happily. "You're doing it? Really? But you gotta promise me you're gonna be real upfront about it. No bad mouthing, no rudeness, understood?"

"So in other words you want me to not behave like me?" Jensen winked at her.

"Exactly that." Nicky laughed and went to pick up the cigarette butt.

"Well, this is going to be fun."

***

_My degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity._

Jensen wrote the last "y" with a smile on his face. Above it, he advertised the pecan pie currently cooling on the grates. The sugar was perfectly caramelized and made the nuts glow a deliciously brown. Jensen patted the chalk dust off his hands before heading back into the small café. Inside, Nicki grinned provocatively at him.

"What?" asked Jensen, puzzled. " Do I have chalk on my face?"

"Mrs. Turner's niece," Nicki exclaimed euphorically.

"What about her?" Jensen asked as he walked to the sink.

"Your first date."

Jensen's hands paused under the stream of water. Damn, he had hoped Nicki would have forgotten by now about the stupid conversation they had six days ago.

"Nicki, come on, this is a stupid idea."

"Don't argue with me, Jensen. You promised."

"Mrs. Turner is a good customer..." he lamented , but Nicki interrupted him immediately.

"And her niece is adorable. I've already seen a photo. She's a senior in veterinary school. It's just dinner. No strings attached. You go out, talk, get to know each other, and if it doesn't spark, so be it."

"You're not going to give it a rest until I say yes anyway, are you?" Annoyed, Jensen dried his hands.

"Not a chance."

"Okay, give me her number."

"So you'll forget to call? I'm not stupid after all. Friday night, at Gino's. The table is already reserved and Melanie already knows. She's looking forward to meeting you."

"Can I still fire you?"

"Try, sweetie."

***

The small Italian restaurant was well attended. Charming waiters served their guests briskly, yet with appropriate attention.

When Nicki planned something, it was well thought out.

The reserved table was in one of the back corners, giving Jensen a view of the entire restaurant. It's a location that always gives him a sense of calm, as if he's in control at all times, or can jump up and flee at any moment.

Depending on the situation.

But at the moment, Jensen was by no means striving to escape. The tables were tastefully set, the light slightly dimmed but still illuminated so that you can enjoy the food with your eyes. The wine, a Pinot Grigio, was excellent and the food delicious. For his appetizer, Jensen choses a beef carpaccio that was served with fresh lemon, a touch of sea salt, and coarse black pepper, while Melanie enjoyed the Vitello Tonnato. For the main course, she opted for a Loup der Meer with fresh baby spinach, and Jensen savored his medium rare beef steak, with a fine Gorgonzola sauce and potato gratin.

Jensen appreciated good food. It was like baking, you could feel when the chef is passionate about his job and Jensen enjoyed every bite. And also the company was admittedly very pleasant. Mel, as she called herself, was charming and smart. Her blonde hair fell in light curls over her shoulders. Blue, clear eyes gazed intently at Jensen. She was intelligent , loved her studies, and had her professional goal firmly in mind. She had a pleasant sense of humor and excellent taste. The black leather skirt flattered her hips and was just the right length to look sexy, but not cheap. The moss green turtleneck fitted her slim silhouette, the gold necklace and gold earrings were absolutely perfect to accentuate her blue eyes.

Mel knew what she wanted, she stood in life without being above others. Jensen appreciated that very much. For dessert, they shared a tiramisu and both ordered an espresso doppio. Jensen couldn't deny it. Contrary to his skepticism, Nicki had been right. The evening was more than pleasant, and he felt that he liked Mel. He sipped his creamy espresso when Mel smiled at him and turned her head slightly to the side.

"What's the deal with the anchor?"

Jensen looked down at his left forearm. The end of one of his tattoos peeked out from under his light blue henley. He set the small espresso cup down and pushed the soft fabric up. The anchor was only part of the tattoo. At the tip ran a rope, which in turn wound around a compass. The compass needle pointed north with the initials A and D engraved on it.

Noticing Mel's questioning look, Jensen explained. "Alan and Donna, my parents. Let's put it this way, my parents and I live fundamentally different lives. As an adult, I can overlook some things, as a teenager I rebelled. But no matter how much we have grown apart…“

"They are your haven." Mel stated.

"They never abandoned me, not when I rebelled, not when I ran away--away from Richardson, away from Texas, away from the bourgeois lie. It took me until I understood that it's their way, and I need to find mine. But that wherever I am, they are my home."

"Wow, that's..."

"And it's a cover-up for my attempt to forget my first great love." Jensen laughed, and Mel propped her chin on the back of her hand.

"Okay, I need to hear that story too."

Jensen pointed to the fine scar, in the middle of the compass. "Tom broke my heart in high school. Cheated on me. And my only response was to get drunk, and in a fit of pure self-pity, I carved a J and a T into my forearm. The next morning I had a terrible hangover, two scars, and still no boyfriend.

Mel smiled for a moment, but Jensen could tell the moment his words hit home with her.

“You had a _boyfriend_?" she cautiously inquired.

Jensen pulled the arm of the sweater back down.

"Not just one. I'm bisexual."

"Oh." Mel glanced at her cup.

Jensen saw her conceiving her next question. Too many times he's had dialogues like this. "I thought Nicki mentioned it."

"No, it's not like it's a big deal. I… I don't have a problem with it." The lie was written all over her face. "I just haven't met anyone who ... well, who ... likes both."

Jensen enjoyed the last sip of espresso while he waited for Mel's curiosity to prevail over her politeness.

"So… are you more attracted to women or men?" she asked at last, relieving herself of curiosity.

"I don't have a preference, if that's what you mean. And no, I'm not gay and just too uptight to admit it," Jensen's sarcasm took over again. "I like women as well as men, I find both sexes fascinating and sexually attractive." Slightly provocatively, he thrusted his chin forward, seeing the discomfort in Mel's posture.

"Jensen, I'm sorry. I sound like a prejudiced asshole." She shook her head slightly. More about herself. And then, finally, she got honest. "But I'm also a person who says what she thinks. I came out of a longer relationship and it didn't really end nicely. I was cheated on and taken advantage of, and yeah I know I shouldn't relate that to you, but I don't think I can do it."

Jensen should have ordered a _Cortadillo_ , with a good shot of brandy. His eyes narrowed, but his voice remained calm. "What exactly can't you do?"

Mel nervously ran her index finger over the empty porcelain cup. "Feeling like I'd have to constantly be on guard. Seeing competition in everyone." She whispered the last words. She realized how wrong they sound, but she couldn't take them back either.

"Can I ask you a question now?" Glass-green eyes fixed on her. Mel nodded.

"Since we've been in this restaurant, with how many men, besides me, have you wanted to sleep with?"

"What kind of stupid question is that?" Mel snapped .

"Exactly. Why do you think, just because I'm into men and women, that automatically means I want to have sex with any living human being?"

Realization spread through Mel. "Jensen, I'm sorry."

Jensen took a deep breath. "You're a really interesting woman. But the problem isn't me. You haven't gotten over your ex. You still see in every man the same asshole he was. Sorry, but that's not going to work for me either."

Mel only nodded, and as her eyes moistened, Jensen made eye contact with the waiter to ask politely for the check.

"We could be friends?" she asked hopefully, and Jensen smiled at her.

"We can."

Jensen paid for the meal and helped her into her black jacket.

They said goodbye with a smile and Jensen waited until she got into a cab.

He lit a cigarette and started walking through the cold November night.

In his mind, he pondered a muffin recipe with blueberries. Jared had mentioned that he could eat kilos of the blue fruit.

***

On Monday, he decided on blueberry muffins with cinnamon sprinkles.

Jared animatedly discussed with Jake which Star Wars movie was the best - _the fifth, of course!_ \- while he kept saying... "So yummy, how do you always do that Jensen?" Jensen couldn't take his eyes off Jared's tongue, which was licking the remains of the muffin off his pink lips. Jensen realized that he became jealous of Jared's tongue.

He put the second muffin as usual in a bag. "I hope the lady you're feeding my pastry to, is as impressed as you are with it." Jensen hoped his voice didn't sound as uncertain as he felt.

Jared stared at the bag they were both still holding. Then Jensen let go, and Jared's eyes looked at him uncertainly for a moment. Jensen gave him a smile and all at once Jared grinded back.

"I never said he was a woman,” he whispered and turned around.

Jensen stared after him with his mouth open, his brain trying to comprehend whether or not it should be happy about that statement.


	4. Chapter 4

_German Spritzgebäck  
(Spritz Cookies)_

_The Dough_

_3/4 cup butter, at room temperature  
1/2 cup white sugar  
2 eggs  
1 teaspoon vanilla extract  
a pinch of salt  
2 cups all-purpose flour  
1 teaspoon baking powder  
The Chocolate Glaze (optional)_

_1 cup chocolate chips (possibly more)_

_Instructions  
Add the soft butter, sugar, and vanilla extract to a large bowl and mix with your mixer until creamy. Add the eggs and mix again.  
In another bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt. Give everything a quick stir and then add this flour mixture to the wet ingredients in small increments. You'll have to stop using your mixer halfway through and just use your freshly-washed hands towards the end._

_Cover the bowl and let the dough rest for 30 minutes. If you are using a piping bag (the same kind of bag also used for cake/cupcake decorating) or cookie press, let the dough rest at room temperature. If you're using a meat grinder for this recipe, place the dough in the fridge for 30 minutes so it can chill._

_Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and line your baking sheet(s) with parchment paper._

_Prepare your piping bag, cookie press, or meat grinder. You'll want to use a large star tip with your piping bag or cookie press. The larger the opening, the easier the dough will be to push through. Also, the softer the dough, the easier it'll come out of the piping bag._

_Create the Spritz cookies with the piping bag, cookie press, or meat grinder. (We used a piping bag). Any shapes are allowed. Circles with an open hole in the middle, S-shapes, or straight lines are classic choices for Spritz cookie shapes. Some people also like to write their names with the cookie dough. Just make sure to create the letters large enough (and leave enough space in between) since the cookies will rise/expand a bit in the oven._

_Place the cookies on the parchment paper and bake them in the oven for 10-15 minutes until the ends are slightly brown. It takes exactly 12 minutes in our oven but since every oven is different, your baking time might vary slightly. When taking the cookies out of the oven they might still feel a tiny bit soft - that's fine. They'll harden once cooled._

_Remove the cookies from the baking sheet and place them on a cooling rack with the parchment paper._

_OPTIONAL: Once the cookies have cooled, you can prepare the chocolate glaze by melting chocolate chips either in the microwave, in a pot on the stove, or in a hot water bath. You can use any type of chocolate chips (depending on how sweet you want it to taste). Once the chocolate chips are fully melted, carefully dip parts of the cookies into the melted chocolate and then place them back on the parchment paper to cool. You can get really creative here. Let the chocolate glaze harden for at least 2 hours before consuming._

***

December

Jensen loved the Christmas season. Well okay, maybe not for the classic reasons; like the decorations, the music, or the presents. He loved the hustle and bustle around him. It seemed like every family that just survived the Thanksgiving tradition immediately found itself in the next chaos. For four weeks, every single customer's nerves were on edge. Fuck calories, costs, or DIY. The mother or (much worse) the mother-in-law wanted to be impressed and ensnared.

This was the time when Jensen was at his best. Where others sank into stress, he became an organizational genius. Runs of baking recipes and orders adorned the wall in his bakery. Each order was planned, processed, and nicely packaged. With each fulfilled order, Jensen became calmer and happier. For four weeks he was almost buried in work. Get up, bake, espresso, bake, eat a snack, go to sleep. Functioning like clockwork, tick tock, not thinking about things that could release something in him. Even Nicki was so electrified that she left him alone with her stupid matchmaking plan. Jensen was so focused on his work that he noticed almost nothing of his surroundings.

Unfortunately only almost. Besides Chad, who was currently considering whether he would be a suitable candidate for either _the Bachelor_ or otherwise, _City Council President_ (No to both, Chad!), it was Jared who kept briefly catching his attention.

Jared, who enjoyed his teaching job to the fullest. Jared whose hazel eyes lit up like a child, when Jensen presented him two cotton candy cupcakes one day. (In truth, they were for a six-year-old's birthday, but possibly two cupcakes were left over _by mistake_ ). Jared, whose boisterous laughter made the whole room vibrate, but mostly Jensen's abdomen from laughing along. Jared, who still always got the second cupcake wrapped up. And Jared, who always waited for Jensen to hand him the little paper bag and whose index finger, as if by chance, briefly touched the back of Jensen's hand.

It was the only time Jensen switched from espresso to a good, traditional Irish coffee. His break was filled with preparing this specialty. The sugar was carefully heated and caramelized in the heat-proof cups. Then a good sip of the best Redbreast Single Pot Irish Whiskey was added, also heated. Dark roasted, hot coffee blended with the sugar-alcohol mixture before, carefully over a spoon, the semi-whipped cream was added. With freshly grated dark chocolate on top of the cool cream. Merry Christmas, Jensen.

With two steaming mugs in his hands, Jensen walked forward to one of the small tables where Jared was already waiting for him. Jared enclosed the warm mug with both hands and savored the coffee specialty with closed eyes. Since Jared had taken the job as a night school teacher, he always arrived later at the bakery, mostly around noon. Why he still seemed to be in a hurry was a secret Jensen never dared to ask. He just didn't want to hear where or with whom Jared spent his day. But from time to time, Jared would sit down and have a coffee with Jensen. They never really planned it, it just happened to become a routine and neither of them stopped it.

Jensen didn't miss the fact that Jared looked tired and the dark circles around his eyes were getting more pronounced. But when he called Jared on it, the latter shrugged it off. "You should experience these people, Jensen. They're so motivated, so dedicated. It's just a lot of fun. I really feel like I'm doing something good. I am so grateful that I got this job."

When Jared talked, it was with his whole body. His eyes lit up, his hands gestured in the air as if speaking a language of their own. His mouth never seemed to stay still, even when he listened, his whole face moved in response. Jensen enjoyed these moments--he could listen to Jared for hours. He had rarely met a person who radiated so much warmth.

Carefully, both men sipped their drinks. The Irish coffee was not supposed to be stirred, and so they slurped the hot coffee through the cool cream. Satisfied, Jensen noted that Jared stared at Jensen's lips as the cream strayed onto his upper lip. And the outrageous accusation that Jensen may have done this on purpose? Must first be proven.

"Did you know that the original Irish coffee was actually invented in a small airport in Ireland?" Jensen asked, as he then ran his tongue over his upper lip. Oh yes, Jensen was that calculating, and he was satisfied to notice that Jared faltered in his answer.

"I thought it was invented in San Francisco?"

"Nope. It's just a persistent rumor. A plane from the States had to stop there to refuel, and the bar owner had a spur-of-the-moment idea to entertain the waiting passengers."

"Wow." Jared set the cup down in front of him. "Isn't it fascinating how many things come about on the spur of the moment? And how they can change us. One small act, one simple gesture, can change so much."

"Jared, we're talking about alcohol in coffee here. I don't think it's helped make the world a better place." Jensen replied somewhat mockingly, but Jared shook his head.

"Maybe. But maybe that's just what the guests needed. Something warm, something for their soul. It's the little things we can do. When was the last time you just stood at the window and watched the rain? Or given a stranger a friendly smile? Or... I don't know, saved an earthworm?"

Jensen wasn't sure if Jared's Irish Coffee might have had too much alcohol in it. "Saving an earthworm? Have you joined the hippies now?"

"Ouch, Jensen. I just mean that we often get so caught up in all the negative stuff in our hearts. And what's the big deal about just smiling a little bit, allowing a little joy?" Jared thoughtfully stroked the rim of his cup. "There's so much anger out there, so much suffering, and if I can't share some joy once in a while..." Jared's voice became brittle and he glanced through the window outside at the street.

Jensen realized there was more to Jared's words. Something was bothering the young man sitting across from him and Jensen wanted nothing more than to know what it was, so that he could fix it just to see Jared's smile again. It was inconceivable to him how a man who had so much joy and compassion for others, suddenly seemed so small himself. Jensen had never really cared much for anyone else. From a relatively early age, he just didn't let anyone get close to him; he focused on himself, his job, his store, and he didn't care what others thought of him. In contrast to his stuffy parental home, he was unbound, free, without obligations.

And then Jared showed up, and this damn puppy didn't even realize how he was tearing down that facade inside Jensen. How he was bringing Jensen out of his shell. Jared wasn't even really flirting with him, he was just being himself, attentive, interested, and Jensen wanted to know more about him, wanted to see the world through Jared's eyes. Jensen never thought he would feel so much empathy for someone else, and it frightened him deeply. Because Jensen was not used to admitting emotions, to feeling hope, to making himself vulnerable. And yet all it took was a smile and two dimples and Jensen's world turned upside down.

Jensen sighted and took another sip. "What are you doing for Christmas? Eat till you drop? I heard your sister's coming to see you?" Jensen asked, and Jared looked at him in amazement. "I heard you talking to Nicki about it." Jensen responded.

Jared bit his lower lip nervously, as if weighing his answer, then just nod to confirm before he asks, "Where are you spending Christmas?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "I'm driving home to my parents' house tonight, and I'm going to spend a perfectly arranged evening watching my parents play me an ideal world."

"Try to enjoy it anyway, Jensen." Jared looked unusually serious, once again their eyes met, then Jared finished his coffee and Jensen knew he would leave soon. Jared took both empty mugs and put them on the counter. Nicki wrapped a peanut butter macadamia nut cookie and gave him the second one immediately.

"Hey Jared," Jensen called, walking after him. Jared was already at the door but stopped. "I just wanted to tell you..." _yes, Jensen what did you want to tell him?_ "Merry Christmas and ... whoever the recipient is." Jensen pointed to the small paper bag. "I hope he appreciates how lucky he is." Jensen's heart beat like he just ran a marathon and he could feel his cheeks blushing.

To Jensen's surprise, Jared's eyes moistened and he swallowed hard. Struggling for words, Jared lowered his head. From under his bangs, he looked almost sheepish. "Merry Christmas, Jensen. Take care."

Then he was gone, and Jensen was left with a feeling in his gut he couldn't interpret. Warmth, protection, concern, lost. What the hell was wrong with him?

***

Four hours later, Jensen closed the bakery for three days. The infamous board leaned against the door from the inside:

_Be naughty, save Santa the trip  
but don’t get your tinsel in a tangle._

He, Jake, and Niki, shared a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and wished each other Merry Christmas. For years they had given each other only a small gift, as traditionally they always went out for a fancy, lavish meal once in January. This year it was an antique brooch for Nicki, a fillet knife for Jake, and for Jensen two tickets for the Austin museum of the weird. Jensen stared at the gift, then glanced alternately at Nicki and Jake. "Uh, thanks?"

But Jake and Nicki just laughed and while Nicki put the glasses away, Jake put the chairs upside down on the tables.

Jensen went to the back and prepared a bowl of white tuna fillet. He opened the door to the backyard and called for Grizabella. "Merry Christmas, beautiful," he called out to her as he caught the sight of her head peering curiously over the edge of the roof.

He took his already packed duffle bag and locked the bakery. Lighting a cigarette, Jensen walked slowly to his red Toyota Camry, which was parked two blocks away in an underground garage. He blew the smoke into the air and enjoyed the walk through the dusk. Only once did he stop short. Jensen looked around to make sure no one was watching him. Then he bent down and picked up an earthworm lying in the middle of the sidewalk, desperately trying to get on. In a few quick steps, Jensen jogged to the nearest lawn and placed the worm in the green. He watched as the worm slowly burrowed deeper into the earth. Jensen continued to walk towards the parking garage, and wondered why he did such a stupid thing, and worse, why he couldn't stop smiling.


	5. Chapter 5

_Buttermilk Pancakes_

_Ingredients  
for 4 servings_

_2 cups all-purpose flour (250 g)  
2 tablespoons sugar  
½ teaspoon kosher salt  
½ teaspoon baking powder  
½ teaspoon baking soda  
2 cups buttermilk (480 mL)  
2 eggs  
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted  
½ teaspoon unsalted butter, plus more to serve  
maple syrup, to serve_

_Preparation  
In a bowl, add the flour, sugar, salt, baking powder, and baking soda, and whisk to combine.  
In a bowl or measuring cup, whisk the buttermilk, eggs, and melted butter until smooth.  
Add the buttermilk mixture to the dry ingredients, gently incorporating with a spatula. Make sure not to overmix, as that will result in dense pancakes.  
Add the butter to a pan over medium low heat. Once the butter begins to bubble, add ⅓ cup (80 ml) of batter to the pan.  
Cook until the top side begins to bubble and the bottom is golden brown. Flip the pancake and cook until the underside is golden brown. Repeat with the remaining batter._

***

Christmas

Jensen leaned against a support pillar of the porch and watched the smoke from his cigarette being blown away by the wind. It's his fifth, or seventh, or… he had no idea; in any case, more than he usually smoked on a stressful day.

Inside, his mother cleared the dishes from dinner. His father had the remote control in his hand and was zapping through the programs to find the sports news.

Josh hadn't even shown up; he excused himself, having a family of his own now. But, of course, everyone had sympathy for him. As if the perfect son, with his perfect family, had ever done anything wrong. So it was just Jared and his younger sister Kenzie.

Jensen took another drag on his cigarette. He loved his parents, no question. Every time he came home and hugged his mom, she smelled like Southern-style hospitality. The house is festively decorated. Red, gold, white all over the place. Plastic snow and porcelain angels. It smells like cinnamon, apples, and a whole Christmas tree farm, which is mainly because of the Yankee candles that are all over the place.

He knew that when push came to shove, he could always count on them. They often questioned many of his decisions very critically, but always supported them in the end. Therefore, an outsider would probably never understand why Jensen, after four hours, 2 glasses of homemade iced tea, the traditional church visit, a turkey, 2 glasses of red wine, mashed potatoes, green beans, a beer, cranberries, homemade cornbread, oven-roasted vegetables, and two glasses of homemade punch, he feels on the one hand as if he were the turkey himself and stuffed to bursting; and on the other, as if he could hardly wait to get back in the car to drive home to Austin.

He should be grateful for every minute with them, and Jensen _is_ grateful. But all this-- the perfect food, the perfect decorations--was really just an illustration in a poetry album, and once you started examining it, the picture tore more and more. And with every glass and every bite, the image of the perfect Ackles family crumbled.

"Alan, can't you do something for once, too? I've been standing in the kitchen for hours and all I've asked you to do is to prepare the coffee. Do I have to do everything myself?" His mother complained, and Jensen felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"I'm doing it,." answered his father monotonously, as if he himself did not believe his words.

"When? When the pie is already on the table? Leave it, I'll do it myself. Just sit there and do nothing, like always," Donna scolded.

Jensen and Kenzie looked at each other ashamedly. "Mom, I'll help you." Kenzie whispered, and Jensen agreed. "Momma, I can help too."

"That's all I need, for my guests to have to do something," Donna retorted indignantly.

And so Donna spent most of her time in the kitchen, and then complained afterwards that she was in the kitchen all the time. Alan largely ignored her lamenting and turned a deaf ear, or asked Jensen about his net sales, or Kenzie when she will finally be finished with her studies.

Jensen took another drag on his butt and stretched his back.

"You know you can't disappear every five minutes, right?" asked Kenzie behind him.

Jensen stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray.

"Not if you rat me out every time." Jensen grinned back.

"Is it bad if I say those two are living the exact life I never want to have?" Kenzie sat down on the last step of the stairs, leading to the perfectly manicured garden, and Jensen sat down next to her.

"Not at all. I think those two have really managed to screw us up for any future marriage." His sister was four years younger and Jensen knew from day one that he would protect her no matter what. They could not see each other for months, but within five minutes in the same room, they immediately rebonded.

Kenzie looked across the grass to the hydrangeas.

"You know Mom was thinking about getting a divorce? She confessed it to me." She whispered the last words as if sharing something forbidden with her brother.

Jensen thought about an answer for quite some time. "Which time do you mean?" he finally answered and pulled out the cigarette pack again.

Kenzie winces at Jensen's words. "Excuse me?"

The advantage of being the youngest child was living in the illusion for a few more years. Jensen meant it. He would protect his little sister from everything in this world. And if he hid some of his parents' quarrels from her, downplayed some situations, it was first and foremost to keep her dream of an ideal world alive a little longer. But Kenzie is not a child anymore, and sometimes the truth has to be torn off like a band-aid from the skin.

"Do you know how many times she's talked about this? The first time, I was so devastated, I didn't dare tell anyone. I thought maybe it was me, because I'm not as perfect as Josh, because I was too rebellious, too opinionated."

"Jensen..."

"Then it got better and I thought it was just a phase. Everything was good again. And then it started all over. Dad did something, _or not_ , and Mom was pissed. They argued more and more. And you know what the worst thing is, Kenz? Instead of helping her, instead of talking to Dad or both, I was just tired of it. I couldn't hear it anymore. At one point I told her that she should just leave. She should finally take the plunge, get out of this prison of stubbornness and mortgages."

Kenzie looked at Jensen in dismay. "And?"

"She just laughed and told me not to be silly." Jensen brought the next cigarette to his mouth, but then decided otherwise. Almost disgusted, he put it back into its wrapper. "She's never going to leave him, Kenzie. They've both given in to their misery of floor polish and stuffiness."

Jensen ran his fingers through his short hair, then propped his elbows on his thighs and gazed spellbound at his hands. Kenzie slid closer to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. For quite some time, they sat side by side in silence. When Kenzie began to talk, Jensen was almost startled.

"I met someone," Kenzie whispered so softly it's barely audible.

Jensen looked at her curiously. "You kept that to yourself all evening?"

"So I could hear Momma lecturing me not to get pregnant before I finished my studies? That it will be the end of my life if I lose my independence? No thanks." She snorted.

Jensen laughed out loud. "Remember when I came out to them? When Dad didn't know how to react, and tried to act all cool even though he had no real idea what bisexual meant?"

They both laughed at the memories. "And Ma just said, why can't you be just gay like Miss Pettensen's son, why have you always take it up a notch." Kenzie mimics her mother and Jensen wiped a tear out of the corner of his eye from laughing so hard.  
They smirked for a moment before Jensen became more serious.

"What's he like?" asked Jensen finally.

"Loving. Funny. Gentle Gently. He...makes me laugh. He says that he loves me, and I … I believe him."

She lifted her head from his shoulders and he turned to her. "I'm so happy for you, Sis."

Tears shimmed in Kenzie's eyes. "Thank you. What about you? Is there someone who makes you happy? And please don't say Chris."

She rolled her eyes and playfully punched him in the arm. Jensen grimaced in exaggerated pain before becoming more thoughtful. "Maybe."

"Really?" Kenzie asked, her eyes wide. "Jensen, who?""

"Someone who's probably out of my league. And who seems taken. But, yeah, in a way it makes me happy to just know he's around. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

Kenzie put her head on Jensen's cheek. "Not at all."

"Alan, the placemats are there for a reason, for God's sake. Kids, come on now, the pie is getting cold." Donna was trying to sing-song her yelling.

Jensen and Kenzie glanced at each other briefly. "Merry Christmas, Jensen."

"I wish you the same. And I want to get a picture of you and your boyfriend by no later than New Year's."

Laughing, they both rose rised and headed back to the perfect, blessed Ackles’ Christmas world.

***

It was well past midnight when Jensen tiptoed out of his parents’ house.

Only when he was down the porch did he dare to put on his shoes. Heavens, he was 31 and sneaking out of the house like a grounded teenager.

In the car, he changed his shirt, the good white one, for a black top, with a transparent panel on the back. A touch of kohl around the eyes, and enough deodorant to get through two hours of dancing.

He was still not sure what he was doing as he steered his car onto the highway.

Actually, he did know exactly what he's doing. He got involved with his colleague's stupid idea of dating three people of her choice. After he texted Nicki about his evening, and actually getting ready for the night, the message came.

> My second task for you Jensen. You will go out today, no, no back talk and no eye rolling ( _how did she know?_ ). You will go to a nice club and have some fun. For two hours minimum. And if someone asks you to dance... you say yes. And if someone offers to buy you a drink, you say yes. But! This is _not_ about a hookup, this is about talking with someone completely new. Get to know him or her. This is my second blind date for you.<

>You're having fun, aren't you?<

>You have no idea how much!<

>How's your nose piercing?<

>It's infected. The children call me Rudolf.<

>I Love you, Nicki.<

>I know.<

And so Jensen entered The Mining Company at half past twelve at night. Besides a dance floor, the Club offered two bars inside, and a bar in the small outdoor section of the club. Jensen walked through the dancing crowd and was surprised that so many people had gathered here on Christmas Eve. The audience was mixed, but most seem to be quite young. The sight of the sweaty young bodies did not leave Jensen cold, but at the moment he just wanted to go outside into the small courtyard. The outdoor bands were surrounded by two trees and stools. Jensen ordered a beer and lit a cigarette. Talking, he was here to find someone to talk with, but Nicki didn't mention that he couldn’t look, right?

After the whole evening of tradition and stuffiness, it was a relief to see the party people here. A few couples had hunkered down in corners, trying to have a little privacy as they kissed and caressed each other's heated bodies. While Jensen put the cold beer bottle to his lips, he watched a couple, slowly moving to the music, their heads tilted to the side, tightly embraced while they kissed. Something drew his attention to them. The older of the two men leaned against the wall, legs wide apart so that the younger found space between them. Hands wandered over the ass cheeks of the younger, the skin-tight latex pants left no room for speculation. Their groins rubbed against each other, and the bulge in the pants of the older was visible even at a distance. Jensen involuntarily rubbed at his own crotch, but he tried to keep the rising excitement at the sight of the two men in check.

"Hi," a voice whispered in his ear from the left, and Jensen averted his eyes from the lovers to the source of the voice. The man across from him was younger than Jensen by at least two years. Almost as tall as him, but much slimmer, almost too thin. The short, blonde hair was a bit disheveled from dancing, high cheekbones and steel blue eyes, or pretty good contact lenses, looked at him boldly. Bright, fine lips that were curved into a smile.

"Hi," Jensen replied, smiling back. He promised Nicki to talk with the first one he met, and hey, this guy was definitely his taste.  
"Want a beer?" Jensen asked, waving for the waiter without waiting for an answer.

"I'd love one. I'm Aaron." The tight black T-shirt had a deep V-neck and exposed a lean, but toned torso. Jensen guessed at least a four pack. The white jeans, also tight, hid a firm butt, and the slender legs certainly would look great when wrapped around Jensen's hips.

“Jensen.“ He was talking, okay?

„It's really nice to meet you, Jensen.“ Aaron purred his words into Jensen's ear.  
Maybe he should buy Nicki another Christmas present after all.

***

Jensen danced to the music with his eyes closed, swung his hips to the beat, felt the bass thumping in his chest. He was free, happy, and unbound. Aaron pressed his lips to Jensen's neck, nibbled the sensitive skin, hands exploring Jensen’s body. This was what Jensen needed, wasn’t it? No rejection, no coldness or a broken heart. To enjoy the day, and then look forward. Jensen ran his fingers through Aaron's hair, bringing his head up to him and kissing him passionately. Aaron tasted like beer and anonymity. Maybe that's not exactly what Nicki meant by talking and getting to know him, but she's not here, so what.

Aaron looked at him suggestively. "My apartment's not far away.... so..." There you go, he's _getting to know_ Aaron's apartment, that should count.

"What are we waiting for then," Jensen grinned, and Aaron turned to look.

"I'll just let Brian and Logan know. We're here together, hang on a sec."

Jensen watched Aaron disappear from the dance floor, hips swaying, fuck this boy is such a tease.

When Aaron reached his two friends, Jensen realized that it was the same couple he had been watching all along. Jensen left the dance floor and continued to watch the conversation between the three men.

Aaron seemed to be talking about Jensen, as all three of them turned to him. And Jensen's breath stopped for a moment. Suddenly it became clear to him why the couple had fascinated him so much. While he could have seen the older guy clearly, the younger one had his back turned the whole time. But now hazel eyes looked at him appraisingly. Shoulder-length chestnut hair falls into his face until he tucked it behind his ears. The young guy was not Jared, but fuck, he looked so much like him. And suddenly it was back. The pink elephant that Jensen tried to suppress. Jared, with his dimples and the happiest smile there is. Jared, who was probably singing Christmas carols and laughing with his boyfriend and sister, while Jensen was out in the middle of the night in a sweaty disco hitting on twinks.  
Jared, who embodied everything Jensen rejects so much, and who still won't get out of his head...

Aaren waved under his nose. "Hey, dreamer, what are you thinking about?"

"Christmas presents," Jensen replied, and Aaron looked at him seductively.

"Would you like to unwrap me? Mmm?" He put his hand on Jensen's hip. "What now, stranger, shall we go to my place?"

***

"Okay, now let me get this straight!" Nicki stood opposite him, arms crossed, and her black-sneakered foot tapped energetically on the floor.

Jensen came back home yesterday. The bakery had been open for 2 hours, and for the entire time, Nicki wanted to know every detail of his "date".

Where her nose ring used to be, there was now a band-aid and Jensen couldn't stop staring at it.

They stood together at the back entrance, Jake holding down the fort inside. Jensen stroked his apron, trying to smooth out the non-existent wrinkles. Above him he noticed a shadow and briefly two furry ears were visible. They had an audience.

"Jensen?"

"What?" he asked, annoyed, as if there was still a way to escape Nicki's torrent of words.

"You meet a great guy who you call fucking hot in your own words. He wants you, you want him, he asks you if you want to go to his place and you say: _No?!_ "

Jensen rolled his eyes and looked for Grizabelle.

"What's wrong with you?"

Jensen shrugged. "It just wasn't a good fit."

Nicki's eyes widen. "I mean, I like the idea that you listened to what I said, but let's be honest, that can't be the reason you let a hot night with a guy slip through your fingers.You shouldn't marry him right away, but .... I mean, what if he was the one?"

"The one? What the hell are you talking about?" The words were harsher than Jensen had intended, but he felt uncomfortable being questioned by Nicki like this. "I was at my parents' house. At Christmas! Apologies if I was then possibly just not in the mood to fuck the next best guy that crosses my path, or to find my true love in a night club full of drunken twinks." Jensen kicked a pebble on the ground, which clattered against the overlying wall.

"Sorry, Jensen." Nicki stroked her upper arm unsteadily with one hand. "That was a stupid idea of mine, with the blind date. You're in a … I don't know -kind of- relationship, and even though I still don't think it's healthy, I don't have the right to interfere. I just thought, after you were so frustrated about your parents, that you needed some nice talk."

Jensen leaned back against the wall, now crossing his own arms in front of his chest. "I haven't talked to Chris in two weeks. He called at Christmas, but I didn't answer the call.... I didn't know what to say." He finally confessed and glanced at Nicki, who was still standing uncertainty in front of him.

"Come here." He opened his arms.

Nicki moved into his arms and he squeezed her against him.

"You know how I react to my parents, and you were right about your idea. It just wasn't the right place or time, okay?"

"Okay," Nicki sniffled into Jensen's neck.

"Friends?" Jensen asked, giving Nicki a gentle hug, looking her in the eye.

"Friends." Nicki smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. "And I still have one shot left."

"You just don't give up, do you?"

"Never."

Arm in arm, they strolled back into the café. Jensen smelled the hint of caramel, together with the strong espresso, even before he caught sight of Jared. Jared's eyes glanced searchingly over the counter until they found Jensen's. And there they were, the dimples that brought a thousand butterflies to Jensen's stomach and a smile that seemed to be only for him. Jared was wearing a light blue button-down Henley, dark blue jeans, and was holding an obviously new thermal mug with two otters swimming close together and "I love you like no otter" written on it. The butterflies crumbled to dust, leaving a taste of pale ash in Jensen's mouth.

"Hey Jensen, hi Nicki." Jared's smile looked a little nervous and Jensen decided to redeem him.

"Hey Jared, how was Christmas? Is your sister still here?"

"It was good, thanks. She had to fly back yesterday, she would have loved to meet you guys, but unfortunately she couldn't stay longer."

Then his eyes widen as if something occurred to him and he rummages in his shoulder bag. "Wait, this is what I'm supposed to give you. It's..." Almost shyly, he pulled out a small bag of homemade cookies. The cookie shapes all looked like a moose, decorated with red and green icing. Some of the antlers or hooves were broken off and were loose in the bag. "I know it's a little embarrassing to give a baker something like this, and you've probably eaten more than enough yourself, but Meg and I spent half the day baking and she made me promise to bring you some."

Embarrassed, he put the bag down on the counter and ran a hand through his hair. Jensen took the bag and opened it. The corners of the cookies were slightly burned, the icing smeared, but Jensen couldn't remember the last time someone gave him homemade cookies.

"They look great," he smiled at Jared, then asked questioningly. "A Moose?"

"I only had the one mold." Jared shrugged.

Nicki took a cookie and munched it with relish.

"Fank ju!" she grinned, mouth full of crumbs, turning to the next customer.

"So?" asked Jared, holding the new cup with both hands. "How was your Christmas?"

Jensen looked at the mug, then at Jared. What should he say? I went out, flirted with a guy who was really hot as lava, thought about you, and turned him down. "It was okay." Was all he finally said.

Jared nodded at him, looking almost too serious. "Good to hear. I'm happy for you, Jensen."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment. Something was there between them. Jensen could feel it, and Jared seemed to want to say more too, but then the moment was gone and Jared looked at the baked goods display with slightly flushed cheeks.

"We have fresh double chocolate muffins, Jared." Nicki joined them again, put an arm on Jensen's shoulders, and swiped another moose.

"Jared doesn't like chocolate." Jensen clarified, feeling Nicki's curious gaze on him.

Jared cleared his throat sheepishly. "He's right. So it's not that I don't like any, but if I could choose..." He glanced at the display and he and Jensen answered simultaneously.

"Macadamia Cranberry Muffins."

Jared smiled mischievously and Jensen reached for the first muffin to put it right in Jared's hand. The second one he wrapped, as he always did.

Jared paid cash and bit off a piece of the muffin with relish. Fine crumbs were still in the corner of his mouth and Jensen had to suppress the urge to run his thumb over Jared's lips.

"Have a nice day," Jared called out before turning toward the door.

"Thanks for the cookies, if I can even get _one_ ," Jake called after him, glancing at Jensen and Nicki, who was still standing right next to Jensen with a grin on her face that would have scared even the Joker.

Jensen glared after Jared, and when he turned around, Nicki can barely stand still.

"Jared!" she called excitedly, and Jensen glanced irritably at the door to make sure the young man hadn't returned.

"What about him?" he then asked, turning back to Nicki.

Nicki was bouncing like an energy ball and Jensen was seriously worried about her condition for a moment.

"It's Jared!" She exclaimed joyfully, and Jensen thought really hard about what he's missed in the last few minutes.

"What's Jared?" Jensen asked, voice on edge.

Nicki clasped Jensen's arms, squeezed him briefly, and then explained as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"My third choice. Your date. It's Jared."


	6. Chapter 6

_New Years Doughnut (18 Servings)_

_2 (.25 ounce) envelopes active dry yeast  
¼ cup warm water (105 to 115 degrees)  
1 ½ cups lukewarm milk  
½ cup white sugar  
1 teaspoon salt  
2 eggs  
⅓ cup shortening  
5 cups all-purpose flour  
1 quart vegetable oil for frying  
⅓ cup butter  
2 cups confectioners sugar  
1 ½ teaspoons vanilla  
4 tablespoons hot water or as needed_

_Step 1  
Sprinkle the yeast over the warm water, and let stand for 5 minutes, or until foamy._

_Step 2  
In a large bowl, mix together the yeast mixture, milk, sugar, salt, eggs, shortening, and 2 cups of the flour. Mix for a few minutes at low speed, or stir with a wooden spoon. Beat in remaining flour 1/2 cup at a time, until the dough no longer sticks to the bowl. Knead for about 5 minutes, or until smooth and elastic. Place the dough into a greased bowl, and cover. Set in a warm place to rise until double. Dough is ready if you touch it, and the indentation remains._

_Step 3  
Turn the dough out onto a floured surface, and gently roll out to 1/2 inch thickness. Cut with a floured doughnut cutter. Let doughnuts sit out to rise again until double. Cover loosely with a cloth._

_Step 4  
Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir in confectioners' sugar and vanilla until smooth. Remove from heat and stir in hot water one tablespoon at a time until the icing is somewhat thin, but not watery. Set aside._

_Step 5_

_Heat oil in a deep-fryer or large heavy skillet to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Slide doughnuts into the hot oil using a wide spatula. Turn doughnuts over as they rise to the surface. Fry doughnuts on each side until golden brown. Remove from hot oil to drain on a wire rack. Dip doughnuts into the glaze while still hot, and set onto wire racks to drain off excess. Keep a cookie sheet or tray under racks for easier clean up._

***

New Years Eve

Jensen looked spellbound at the dark espresso, flowing through the frothed milk and slowly settling as its own layer in the tall glass. He waited for the last drop, placing the glass on a saucer, together with a long spoon and a cinnamon-pear mini muffin.

"Here you go, Ruth." The petite Scotish woman with fiery red hair gave Jensen an appreciative smile. For someone who usually prefered a good cup of English Breakfast tea, Jensen is proud that she occasionally visits Jensen's café to indulge her little coffee addiction and to chat.

"Thank you, darling."

"So, what are your plans for tonight?" Jensen leaned on the opposite chair from Ruth and looked at her curiously.

"Well, I had an invitation for a performance of the Austin Symphony Orchestra ."

Yes, Ruth was quite rich to boot.

"But, I met this nice gentleman and he asked me to have dinner with him tonight."

"Do I need to worry and make a “get out of the date“ call?" smiled Jensen.

"Not at all, he's really attentive and polite. It's just..."

"What?"

"It's just been a while. My divorce was three years ago and I should be looking forward to it, shouldn't I?" She peeled the pastry from its wrapper. "We're both middle-aged, we've had our experiences, we know what we want and what we don't."

"So?" Jensen asked.

"We've gone through life quite differently so far. He's an artist, unconventional and soft-spoken. I'm spiritual, level-headed, and ...Scottish." She smirked at the last word and waved her hand through the air.

Jensen pushed the chair back, sat on the front edge, and leaned toward her. Her Brown eyes looked at him curiously. " So you're like pears and cinnamon."

"What?"

"Cinnamon is a dull spice, it's dominant and raw. Pears, unlike apples, are much finer, they break down faster, their texture is softer. But combine the cinnamon with the pear... "He gestured for her to try the muffin. "...Add flour, sugar, and a hint of vanilla..." Ruth closed her eyes and savored the sensual combination on her tongue. "Then the strengths of each ingredient combine and a perfect new creation unfolds."

Slowly Ruth opened her eyes again. "Thank you darling."

Jensen nodded to her, but before he left she put her hand on his arm. "Who is it?"

Irritated, Jensen looked at her, but Ruth smiled at him knowingly.

"Darling, I've been coming here for almost two years. I know you as a gifted baker, but just as well as a sarcastic, grumpy grinch. I don't know who made it happen that you found your heart again, but I'm very happy for you."

Jensen looked at her for a long time, but he found nothing but honesty and warmth in her eyes. Finally, he smiled at her. "Wish me luck."

"I do."

He sensed Ruth looking at him for quite a while longer as he circled the counter and headed to the back of the kitchen. Fifty cookies were spread out to cool, the dark chocolate beginning to set. Jensen would write Happy New Year on them later in white icing.  
They had already sold two batches-- the cookies were a hit every year. Methodically, he went through his shopping list for the next few days, which he would give to Hugh later. Routine procedure, everything as usual. Except that his pulse wouldn’t slow down and he kept wiping his palms on his apron. What's the point? It wasn’t the first time he’d flirted, it wouldn't be his first rejection.

Nicki came up to him with, an espresso macchiato in her hand.

"Here, for you."

"Is there booze in it?" Jensen took a sip but looked disappointed

"No?"

"Then what's the point?"

"It'll all work out." Nicki smiled at him and Jensen wondered if the first mate of the Titanic said the same thing to his captain. _It's going to be alright, Captain. Let's dance._

Jensen took a tray of brownies out of the cooler and cut them into even squares. Nicki watched him before sighing. "I don't get it, Jared's a sweet guy, you two seem to get along, so what do you have to lose?"

"My best customer."

"Isn't that Chad?" Nicki mocked.

"If I got rid of Chad by asking him out, I'd hire a whole Gospel Choir."

"It looked like you were interested in Jared." Nicki stated again.

"I'm interested in panda bears, too. And yet, I don't want one at home."

"I just want to understand. Worst case scenario, he says no, then you both have a quick laugh and that's it. Jared doesn't strike me as the type who wouldn't come back then!”

"You just don't want to understand, do you ?" Jensen shakes his head defensively.

"Then what is it?" Nicki digs in again, and Jensen finally snaps.

"I like him." Frustrated, he tossed the knife next to the tin.

"But that's good!" Nicki pointed out, obviously irritated.

"You don't get it, do you?" Angrily Jensen turned away.

Nicki looked at her boss, who was leaning against the backyard door with both arms. And all at once it began to dawn on her.

"You're not afraid of Jared saying no, you're afraid of what will happen if he says yes,” she whispered, but Jensen didn't answer. "Shit Jensen, you have a crush on him."

Jensen looked for any biting comment he could retort, something that would make her hurt and cringe. Instead, he shrugged. "He has someone, Nicki."

"What makes you think that?" She asked, incredulous.

"His new super awesome extra hot coffee mug," mimicked Jensen, and God could he sound any more pathetic?

Nicki tries to suppress a grin. "You mean the gift from his sister?"

Surprised, Jensen looked up and Nicki did laugh out loud now. "For someone who barely takes his eyes off Jared as soon as he approaches the store, you really have a knack for not noticing the crucial things."

"I don't look at him all the time..." Jensen grumbled, but Nicki waved it off.

"Just keep telling yourself that." Nicki laughed as she placed the brownie squares on a tray.

Together they walked back to the front. The café was busy at this hour. Many regular customers stopped in briefly, wishing a Happy New Year, or quickly grabbing a few pastries. Nicki put the tray on display while Jensen took the order for Dr. Beaver (large black American coffee, no frippery), not without glancing at the front door again and again.  
The coffee was almost ready when he noticed a movement immediately behind him. Startled, Jensen turned around and looked directly into a camcorder.

"Damn, Chad! Are you fucking crazy?"

"I'm doing a report on my life, Jensen," repliedChad in the serious voice of a reporter.

"At my coffee shop?" Jensen looks at him with questioning eyes, his voice annoyed.

"You're part of my life now."

"I still don't know what I did to deserve this."

"I know, Jensen, but I can assure you that there are people out there who appreciate honest craftsmanship and over-the-top dedication."

Jensen crossed his arms and glared grimly at Chad. "Get out of my workspace."

"But I need a long shot of you." Chad looked at Jensen through the camcorder for a moment before theatrically snapping it shut. "Jensen, you're not going to get a job application for your store. You have to give the audience something to look at. Try smiling."

Jensen continued to stare at him. "What on Earth do you mean by audience?"

"I'm going to be a YouTube star. Influencer, actually." Chad replies in a bored tone, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Uh-huh." Sometimes Jensen wondered if he had ended up in a sitcom and they forgot to tell him.

"I'm reporting on me, Chad. How I'm doing my life, and thus helping other people cope better with their life."

"Didn't you want to become an exterminator last week because you can make a lot of money doing that?“ Jensen crosses his arms and furrows one eyebrow.

"Yes."

"And?"

"I'm afraid of rats."

Jensen is sure he's getting a migraine.

"Okay, I admit not all my ideas have been a success."

"Like the cat walker?"

"How was I supposed to know cats wouldn't want to walk for the heck of it!"

Yup, migraine definitely.

"But, that's exactly why I can help people now, so they can learn from my mistakes."

Oh God! How bad off must Jensen be that this actually sounds like a good idea?

"Okay, and then what do you want with this old camcorder please?"

"I want it to look stylish. It gives me a wise and mature image."

"The only picture anyone gets of you is blurry and that you have absolutely no idea of what you're doing!"

"I do!"

"No, you don't!"

"Why are you so mean?"

"Because you dummy! You still have the cover flap in front of the lens!"

Puzzled, Chad turns the Camcorder around and looks at the shuttered lens.

"Mhh, that explains a lot."

"Chad, please," Jensen pleaded, glancing at the door, "I'll buy you your next cup of coffee, but please get out of here right now."

"I thought I drink for free here anyway."

"Excuse me?" Jensen's voice was at least an octave too high.

"Well, I'm here to advertise for you, and as an influencer I live off the fact that companies give me money, then I promote their products. I like you, Jensen, but business is business, I can't make exceptions."

"Chad, I'm going to count to three..."

Chad left the café at _two_...

…and bumped into Jared, who gave Chad a puzzled look. Then he turned his gaze to the chalkboard, smiled, and entered the café.

Jensen wiped his hands on his apron, and Nicki gave him a motivational pat on the back.

Jared pointed a thumb behind him. "Did you chase Chad away?" he asked, amused.

"For this year most certainly." Jensen grinned.

“So you've got good intentions, I see.“

Sure enough, on the chalkboard in Jensen's handwriting was written -

_My new Year's resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic…_   
_Like I won't screw that up right away!_

"What can I say, my super talent is not being charming." Jensen's lips curled into a smile, and he rocked back on his heels, trying everything to look absolutely cool.

Jared smiled at him, almost shyly. "You shouldn't underestimate yourself."

Silently they looked at each other for a moment, unable to read each other's gaze. Hesitantly, they both waited to see what step the other would take. Finally, Jared could no longer withstand the gaze and looked over at the display. "Will you wrap me up some Happy New Year cookies, please?"

Jensen cleared his throat. "Two, like always?"

"No, ten, please?" asked Jared, seeming to mentally tally the number.

"Are you having a party today?" Jensen felt cold creeping into the pit of his stomach, but he calmly packed the cookies.

"No." Jared shook his head in amusement. "I'll probably go to Auditorium Shores tonight to watch the fireworks. The cookies are ... to say thank you."

Jensen handed the bag of cookies to Jared and swiped the card through the register. It's the perfect template, Jensen just had to ask. Damn, don't be a frog.

He handed the card back across the counter to Jared and their fingertips touched lightly. Jared bit his lower lip sheepishly and Jensen's knees went weak. Damn, he's really got it bad; throw the confetti, light the rockets, Jensen Ross Ackles has a crush.

"Jared, hold on a second."

Jensen came around the counter and stopped in front of Jared. Jared's eyes gleamed at him as if he was just waiting for this. "What is it?" He gripped the bag of cookies a little tighter, looking just as nervous as Jensen felt.

Jensen ran his hand over his mouth, which is suddenly far too dry. "About tonight, I mean, funny you mention the Auditorium because..." Jared smiled, he smiled, and Jensen knew he'd say yes, knew he just had to ask.

"Anyway I was wondering, or I was going to ask you..."

"JENNY!"

_No._

_No, please don't._

_No._

In slow motion, Jensen saw the smile die on Jared's face as he slowly turned around. Jensen felt like a boxer about to be knocked out, helplessly waiting for the final crushing blow.

Chris appeared behind Jared. Black, tight jeans, the white Henley half unbuttoned, dark tanned skin, visible to everyone. Cowboy boots, clacked across the floor, and then Chris stood in front of him. He yanked Jensen into his arms and kissed him passionately on the mouth, unaware of what he had just interrupted.

"Chris." In disbelief, Jensen stared at the man hugging him tightly, unable to utter a single word more.

"You're amazed, huh? You didn't think I was going to let my boyfriend celebrate New Year's Eve alone, did you?"

From behind him, Jensen heard Nicki call out Chris' name in surprise, and Chris called something back to her over his shoulder. Jensen should say something, anything, but all he could do was staring into Jared's face. His face that was beaming with happiness a moment ago, now looked like someone who is just out of place.

If Chris caught on to the mood of the two, he knew to ignore it. He casually put his arm around Jensen's shoulders and looked at Jared appraisingly.

"Hey, what's up, dude? Damn, you're big."

Jensen wanted to sink into the ground right now.

Finally, Jared regained his speech. "I'll let you two celebrate then. Have a good time today. " He nodded to Chris, then looked again at Jensen. "Happy New Year, Jensen." Jensen couldn’t say anything back. Motionless, he watched as Jared turned and left the café.

"Will you give me the key to your apartment? You seem like you need some more time here, and fuck, I could really use a shower."

As if in a trance, Jensen reached for his keys and handed them to Chris.

"Thanks, honey. Make sure you don't stay here too long. I've got a top-shelf bottle of tequila with me that's due tonight, and hopefully after that… you'll finish _me_ off."

Laughing, he winked at Jensen and playfully smacked his ass.

Then he swiped a muffin from the counter, waved to Nicki one more time, and stalked out of the store.

Jensen still stood motionless at the same spot, wondering what just happened, and why he felt like his heart had just been ripped out.


	7. Chapter 7

Warm water ran over Jensen's neck, down his back, until it disappeared down the drain in circular swirls. Both hands supported his body against the cold tiles, his head was bent forward and individual drops of water ran down his face. Jensen had no idea how long he had been standing under the shower spray, but it never seemed long enough. His legs trembled slightly from his tense posture.

The shower was like a retreat, an escape from what was outside the bathroom. Here, he was alone, just with himself, with his thoughts; out there, that was where reality sat. At some point the water got cold though, and Jensen knew he couldn't escape the real world any longer. He turned off the water, fished for the towel lying over the edge of the basin, and rubbed himself dry.

Swinging the towel around his waist, he stood in front of the fogged mirror. With the palm of his hand, he wiped away the cold mist on the mirror and looked into his waterlogged reflection. The artificial light from the ceiling fixture shone down on him from above, bathing his face in a penumbra.

How many compliments had Jensen received on his face? Striking, sexy, out of this world. Lips, perfectly curved as if kissed by Cupid. Eyes, green and mysterious. Cheekbones chiseled by DaVinci himself. Jensen saw none of this when he looked in the mirror. He saw a man with crow's feet around his eyes, dark shadows across his cheeks, and lips that have been silent when they should be speaking. He was healthy, successful, his lover sat next door and played guitar, waiting for them to hit the clubs. Jensen's life was perfect...and it was not.

Still in the bathroom, he put on boxers and jeans, then pushed the door handle and walked out to the bedroom, where Chris was still practicing a certain chord. He looked up briefly, let his gaze roam over Jensen's naked torso, and then looked intently at the guitar strings again. The tequila bottle was a quarter empty. When Jensen came home around nine, they took two shots and talked about their last few weeks. Routine set in again. Chris was his safety net. He knew what made Jensen tick, he knew how to play him, like the guitar he held on his lap. Only when Chris tried to pull him close, planting kisses on Jensen's neck, for the the first time Jensen didn't give in, blaming his need to shower and disappearing into it.

"I thought you drowned in there," Chris quipped, lighting two cigarettes. He gave Jensen one of them and Jensen took the first drag.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Chris, and Jensen shrugged.

"What do you mean?

Chris looked up at him skeptically. "You were barely texting me at all. And I haven't heard from you in almost a week."

Jensen walked to his window, opened it, and blew the smoke outside. People could be heard singing and laughing from the street. How many of them were on their way to the Auditorium right now?

Chris put the guitar aside and rested his elbows on his thighs. "Are you glad I'm here?"

"Of course." The answer came much too quickly.

"Jensen?"

Jensen kept staring into the night. "I saved an earthworm," he finally said.

"What?" asked Chris from behind him.

"Saw it crawling in the road." Jensen took another drag, "Picked it up and put it in the ground."

Chris cleared his throat behind him. "Jensen, did you take something?"

Of course, Chris didn't understand. Jensen snorted and stubbed out the cigarette. Then he slowly turned around to Chris and leaned against the window ledge. He propped himself up with his arms, feeling the chill of the evening air against his back. He looked into Chris' worried face. "I'm not happy, Chris."

"Have you ever been?"

The question hurt Jensen more than he wanted to admit. Has he ever been happy?

Chris rubbed his palms together. "Jensen, don't get me wrong, you're talented, funny, and smart. I love being with you, but I always feel like I never quite _know_ you, that there's always a wall I can't break down." Jensen stared spellbound at his shoes as Chris continued. "I can handle it. Always. And I thought what we have is perfect. We have each other, but we're still free. No obligations, no rules. Weren't those always your words?"

Jensen nodded and Chris stood up, walking the two steps over to him. "Come on, Jenny, you're having a little midlife crisis. Let’s have another drink now, then we'll go out and in two hours we'll laugh about this."

Chris ran his fingers over Jensen's bare upper arms. His skin reacted to the touch, familiar and known. "Come on." Chris pushed himself between Jensen's legs, his lips ghosted over Jensen's cheek. Jensen closed his eyes for a moment and felt Chris's warm, alcohol-soaked breath on his skin.

Then he pushed him off him with both arms. "What are we doing here, Chris?"

Visibly annoyed now, Chris rolled his eyes. " Well, I wanted to have a nice evening with my boyfriend. Party and celebrate into the new year. But your fucking mood is killing that. God, Jensen, what is the fucking problem now?"

"This. All of this is the problem. You show up when it suits you, how you like it, and expect me to be happy right away. You send me pictures of random guys you hang out with and think I don't mind. We each live our lives, but we don't live them together." Jensen opened the pack of cigarettes, but then changed his mind and threw the pack against the wall.

Chris looked at him angrily. "Fuck you, Jensen, I never promised you anything else. You were the one who always said we should each do our thing. I asked you then if you wanted to come. You said no. I asked you if an open relationship was an option for you, and you agreed. Don't spin this like I'm the asshole and you're the poor victim." Body tense, Chris opened the tequila bottle and drank directly from it.

"Fuck you, Chris."

"No, fuck _you_ Jensen." For a moment they both breathed heavily, neither knew what to say. Finally, Chris looked at him cynically. "It's that guy at the cafe, isn't it?" He snorted contemptuously and Jensen glared at him.

"Don't do that."

"Then I'm right, aren't I? The boy with the Bambi eyes has turned your head."

Jensen stalked forward and grabbed Chris by the collar. "Keep Jared out of this, got it!" He yelled at Chris.

"Jared...so that is his name." Coldly, he smiled at Jensen. "Does your Jared know how broken you are? That you never want a real relationship because you're too scared of becoming like your parents? That you don't even know what it means to really let someone else into your heart? That he will never have a happy ever after with you?"

Jensen slowly loosened the hands holding Chris' collar. Triumphantly, Chris looked up at him. "Does he know that he'll never quite have you? That he'll never be good enough to live up to the Jensen-Ackles-Standard way of life?"

"Chris," Jensen whispered.

"Does he know what it means to love you? That it's a one-way street with no turn lane. You take and take, but you have no idea how to give." Chris whispered the last words, emotions are raw and open in his face.

Tears shimmered in the eyes of both men.

"I never meant to hurt you, Chris."

Caught, Chris looked to the side "I know. And that's the thing. I always knew what it meant to love you. You say I'm never here, but the truth is, it's you who's never here. We have fun, Jensen, God knows how much. But a real relationship? Neither of us can. We're not made for that. So, why would you do that to this boy?" Once again Chris came closer to him, reaching out to Jensen. "You and me, we're strays. And strays don't belong locked up and in chains, we belong on the streets. And we stick together." Chris hand curled around Jensen's neck and he pulled him to him. "You're not like your parents, Jensen. You and me against the flow, as always, what do you say?"

They both stood close, breathing each other's breath, familiarity, habit, safety. Jensen looked ahead, looking into Chris's blue eyes, which radiated confidence. Everything could be like this again, just a touch was enough. Why change anything today? Why rush into anything? Then a realization hit him, cold and harsh.

Slowly Jensen released himself from Chris' grip. He dropped heavily onto the bed. Chris looked at him from above, saw Jensen's shoulders shaking. "Jensen," he tried again and Jensen's whole body began to vibrate. But before Chris could lean in, Jensen threw his head back and laughed. He laughed at the top of his lungs, his body shaking. Tears ran freely down Jensen's cheeks and he didn't bother to wipe them away.

"Jensen," Chris tried one last time, almost helplessly.

"Don't you see the irony?" Jensen laughed almost hysterically.

"I don't understand what you mean?" Chris crossed his arms as Jensen didn't stop cackling.

"My whole fucking life, I've only had one goal. Never end up like my parents. Never end up in a relationship where I'm made of dust, floor wax, and placemats rotting away." Jensen wipes his hand across his mouth. "Now look at me! Look at us! I've been so fixated on not being like this, and yet that's exactly what I've become."

"You're nuts." Chris shook his head, but Jensen laughed again.

"No, for the first time I'm being honest. I'm living in a relationship that I don't want to be in. But instead of ending it, I go on and on and on, making up excuses, or taking refuge behind habit and security. All this time I've been running away from my parent's mistakes only to end up right there. Again and again. I hated my mother for letting herself get caught, and today I realize how hard it must be to let go. I realize for the first time that I never hated her, I hated myself."

Slowly, Chris sat down on the bed next to Jensen, trying to let the words sink in.

After a while, he turned his head to Jensen. "What is it you want?" He whispered.

Jensen leaned forward looking out the window at what lies beyond. "I want…“ he sighed. „I want a fucking dog, a fence, a lawn, and a fucking lawnmower that drives me crazy. I want someone to sit on the porch with me and look up at the sky; to give me Hell when I forget our anniversary. I want someone whose laughter fills me up and who I'm willing to pick up a milkshake for at night. I want… I want to learn to love that someone, Chris."

Silently they sat next to each other for half an hour, knowing it was their last time together.

"I really loved you, Jensen. Even though I knew you didn't feel the same way about me." Chris' voice was soft, and Jensen felt the tears coming up again.

"I'm so sorry, Chris."

Once again, Chris turned to him, grasped Jensen's chin tenderly and turned his face to him. "You are so much stronger than you think. And I hope you find what you're looking for."

"I don't regret us, Chris."

"I know you don't." Gently, Chris kissed him again on the corner of his mouth. "Goodbye, Jensen."

Then he stood up, picked up his guitar and left.

Jensen stared into silence, minutes passing as he sat motionless. Suddenly he hears shouts from outside. 5...4...3...2...1

Fireworks broke the dark night sky.

With effort, Jensen raised the tequila bottle that had been in Chris' hand a moment ago and walked to the window. The cold air made him shiver.

On his right forearm, Jensen had his second tattoo that he got when he was twenty years old. It showed a wave and underneath: Against the current. Chris had the same tattoo. With trembling fingers, he took a sip. Colorful symbols in green, blue, and red shone in the sky. People were chanting and somewhere back there, invisible to Jensen, he knew a young man with hazel eyes was staring at the same sky as Jensen.

"Happy New Year," Jensen murmured.

Everything was new, everything was at the beginning.

Happy New Year.

***

January

_You can't buy happiness,_  
But you can buy Cupcakes.  
And that's kind of the same thing.

_Today's Special: Vanilla Cupcakes_

January passed Jensen by like flocks of migratory birds on their way south. He immersed himself in work, bookkeeping, and more work. Rarely did he get out of his kitchen or office. The end of the year always brought a certain challenge when you were self-employed. In short sentences he told Nick about New Year's Eve, but as much as she pushed, Jensen kept quiet about the details.

There was no more news from Chris, and even though Jensen knew it was the right thing to do, it hurt. He wondered if they could be friends one day. Even if he didn't want the relationship with Chris anymore, he missed the friendship.

January was always one of the quietest months. Too many good intentions kept customers from coming to his store. Usually, it took up to six weeks until all these intentions had gone and everything was back to normal.

Mac sent the promised pictures and Jensen couldn't help but notice how happy she looked. Of course he insisted on knowing the name of the man at her side, and of course he didn't keep his promise to her to Google him on the spot. But since he seemed frighteningly normal, Jensen gave his brotherly blessing and promised her to visit them both in the spring.

Jensen called his mother almost every week. If she wondered where Jensen's sudden affection came from, she didn't say. And even though Jensen rolled his eyes at almost every phone call, he enjoyed talking to her.

He saw Jared again for the first time on January 6th. Before that, Jared must have been back at the café, but Jensen was too engrossed in work to notice. Or, as Nicki called it, hiding from Jared.

The first time they really saw each other again was awkward.

Although nothing had really happened between them, neither of them knew exactly how to deal with each other. But with time, the tension between them disappeared, and in mid-January, Jensen sat down at Jared's table again, an espresso and a café mocha (espresso, foamed cream, and hot cocoa) in his hand. They talked about Jared's students, Jensen's stress with the city council, and had a heated discussion about how if a piece of toast always lands on the butter side, while a cat always lands on its paws... What happens when you put butter on a cat's back? (Grizabella avoided Jensen's café for four days after that).

In short, everyday life returned to Jensen's life. Probably nothing would have changed if he hadn't noticed on the evening of January 31st that he had left his wallet in the café and had to return.


	8. Chapter 8

_Vanilla Glazed Baked Donuts_

_Ingredients  
For the Donuts:_

_1 cup (120 grams) all-purpose flour  
1/3 cup (70 grams) granulated sugar  
1 teaspoon baking powder  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
2 tablespoons (28 grams) unsalted butter melted  
1 egg  
1/3 cup+1 1/2 tablespoon (100 ml) skim milk feel free to use full fat milk  
1 teaspoon vanilla extract  
FOR THE VANILLA GLAZE:  
1/2 cup (80 grams) powdered sugar  
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract  
1 small pinch salt  
1 or 2 tablespoons milk_

_Optional: food coloring and sprinkles  
INSTRUCTIONS  
Preheat the oven to 175 degrees C (350 degrees F).  
Spray a donut pan with nonstick cooking spray and set aside.  
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt.  
In a small bowl, whisk together egg, milk, butter and vanilla extract.  
Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir together until no flour bits remain and all the ingredients are well combined. Try not to over-mix the batter.  
Spoon the batter into the donut cavities or use a large ziplock bag. Cut a corner off the bottom of the bag and pipe the batter into each donut cavity, filling 3 ∕ 4 of the way full.  
Place the pan in the oven and bake for 8 to 10 minutes.  
Remove from the oven and transfer the donuts onto a wire rack until cool enough to handle but still warm.  
MAKE THE GLAZE.  
In a medium bowl whisk together the powdered sugar, vanilla extract and salt.  
Add 1 tablespoon of milk, and whisk to combine. If the glaze is too thick, add additional milk, 1/2 teaspoon at a time until the desired consistency is reached.  
Add food coloring if you wish.  
ASSEMBLE  
Dip the warm donuts in the vanilla glaze, return to the wire rack, and immediately top with sprinkles. Allow glaze to set at room temperature for about 30 minutes before stacking or serving.  
Enjoy these delicious vanilla glazed baked donuts!_

***

Last Day of January

Jensen turned the key in the lock and made sure the gate was secured . He was already on the way to the pizzeria when he realized that he had forgotten his wallet back at the store. He pulled the hood of his white hoodie over his head and headed home. Just as he crossed the street, he spotted the figure coming towards him.

Jared was also wearing a hoodie, pulled tightly around his face, to protect himself from the crisp evening air, but Jensen recognized his posture immediately.

"Hey Jared," he called out, and in front of him the figure jerked to a halt.

Jared raised his lowered head, obviously forcing himself to smile. "Hi Jensen, what are you doing here so late?"

Jensen studied Jared's face carefully. He looked tired even though it was just 5pm. Jensen pointed over his shoulder to the bakery.

"I forgot my wallet. Stupid when you're hungry, but there's nothing edible left at home." (Yeah, the state of his fridge hadn’t really improved).

"I'd recommend a nice café, but unfortunately they're already closed." Jared smirked, but Jensen still wondered what the reason for Jared's worry lines could be.

"Hey man, are you feeling okay?"

Jareds bit his lower lip, searching for an answer. "Let's just say I've had better days. But hey, you're hungry, I shouldn't keep you."

Jensen wasn't satisfied with that. "Bullshit, come on, let's go get a pizza together and then we'll chat, okay?"

"I'm not hungry, but thank you." Jared's eyes were so full of warmth that it almost tore Jensen apart.

"There must be some way I can help you. Come on Jared, say something; anything!" Jensen tried one last time, his hand gently grasping Jared's arm.

Almost a little desperately, Jared shook his head. "I just want to...damn I don't know how to say it. Just think about nothing. Not take responsibility all the time, just do something for a few hours that is absolutely ..."

"...Weird?" Jensen finished the sentence for him.

"Yes, exactly." Jared laughed, looking to the side.

"Like the Austin Museum of the Weird?" Jensen grinned, barely able to believe his luck.

"W...What?" Jared laughingly sputtered, and this time at the top of his lungs.

Jensen gestured with his finger for Jared to wait a moment, then reached into the back of his jeans pocket and pulled out his wallet. He briefly searched it and then triumphantly held up two tickets.

"My Christmas present from Jake and Nicki. Believe me, I looked just as puzzled , but maybe it was meant to be. That I forget my wallet, meet you, and now we can go together."

Still shaking his head Jared looked at the tickets. "You're absolutely serious, aren't you?"

"I'm not kidding when it comes to the Museum of the Weird, Jared." Jensen returned, emphatically serious.

Jared looked at Jensen, wondering if he was Santa Claus himself. Then he became serious again for a moment and blushed. "Doesn't your boyfriend mind?"

Jensen pocketed the tickets. "Chris and I broke up on New Year's Eve."

"I'm sorry about that, Jensen."

"I'm not." Jensen put the wallet away, too, and pointed in the direction of the museum. "Shall we?"

Jared nodded. "I'd love to."

The museum was located in the heart of Austin, right on the famous 6th Street. On the outside, it was more of a big, rather odd souvenir store which contained all sorts of odds and ends. But in the back, a little less hidden, lay the real secret. What started as a small passion for collecting had developed into a larger and larger array of curiosities.

Jensen and Jared immersed themselves in the world of the legendary and the supernatural. They strolled past shrunken heads, laughed at sailor stories, and marveled at mermaids. And they grew closer. With each new room, the distance between them narrowed. If Jensen, when they started their tour, believed that he was imagining the body contact, he knew better now, as they stood side by side gaping at the "real cyclops pig". Jared brushed his pinky hesitantly over Jensen’s hand. Without looking at Jared, Jensen curled his fingers around Jared's, and he felt like he had when he was a teenager. Hand in hand, they walked into the next room as if they had never done anything differently. Looking at an old map of America, Jensen asked about Jared's time in New York.

"Loud. Anonymous. It was different, so different from here. I was so full of drive, wanting everything at once, throwing myself into the nightlife, drinking, partying, going to college, living into the day." He glanced at Jensen. "You probably wouldn't have liked me then."

"Don't be so sure. Probably more likely you would have hated me. I would have hit on you, chased you into bed, and forgotten your name the next day."

Jared was silent for a moment as they walked into the next room. "And that would have been exactly what I was looking for then."

Jensen stopped, and Jared noticed the tug on his hand. He turned to Jensen, who stroked the back of Jared's hand with his thumb. Questioningly, he looked at Jared, but left Jared to talk. Jared looked at the stuffed werewolf in front of him and had to laugh at the absurdity of having this serious conversation in this bizarre place.

"How did your parents react?" Jared asked, and he didn't have to explain to Jensen what he was talking about.

"A little helpless, trying to be cool, but ... actually pretty good." Jensen bit his lower lip. "I... I'm bi, by the way." Jensen's heart had never beaten so fast.

Jared studied Jensen's face for a moment. "Okay," was all he said, then smiled and squeezed Jensen's hand.

Jensen's mind wanted to do crazy things for once, like dance around the room, raise his fist to the sky, or tell Jared he was falling in love with him. But instead of all that, he just smiled back.

Jared looked back at the werewolf in the pirate costume and cleared his throat. "My parents told me that if they ever caught me following my ungodly urges, they would make sure I never forgot my infamy." Jared swallowed hard, his eyes blinking against the moisture that gathered in them.

"New York was like a new life for me. A world where I was allowed to be who I am. And God, I made up for everything that had been building up inside me for years."

"I think I would have done exactly the same thing."

They turned into another large room which was crammed with movie props. Impressed, they stood before a replica of King Kong. True, it was just the head and a fist, but even that was large enough to encompass an adult human.

"I was afraid of King Kong when I was a kid," Jared confessed. "I was rooting for the Army to take down the dangerous big ape. Then later I understood the tragedy of being afraid of yourself just because you're different."

"King Kong was impressively large, but he had a soul of gold. Few realized that." Jensen jabs at Jared. "Hey does that make me Dawn, the imperiled woman now?"

"Only if I save you from the skyscraper at the end."

Jensen looks into Jared's eyes. They shimmered a lovely mix of blue and green, and Jensen could look at them for hours. "You're my pink elephant," he blurts out.

"Excuse me?" Jared raises his eyebrows questioningly.

Jensen blushes, but he went through with it, may King Kong be his witness.

"When someone tells you don't think about a pink elephant, that's exactly what you think about. I ran away from even thinking about a real relationship for years, but you walked into my Café and I.... saw you… I, when I close my eyes and think of a future, I can try whatever I want, I see you..."

"You don't know anything about me, Jensen."

"I know everything I need to know. You are smart, passionate, warm-hearted, and your laugh ... I...I love it." Jensen looked at Jared with sincerity.

But Jared shook his head. "Jensen, you only see one side, the happy-go-lucky side of me. But you don't know about the rest."

"Then let me see it. Let me see the whole Jared. You snore, fine. You collect rag dolls --creep- but negotiable. You've seen stubborn, grumpy Jensen and you still come back."

"Because I never see that Jensen. I see the man who runs his cafe with a passion and perfection that I admire. Who loves his customers and fulfills their every wish from their lips..."

"...Except Chad," Jensen interjected.

"Jensen, anyone else would have already killed Chad."

"Don't give me any ideas."

They both laughed, then Jensen pointed at the big monkey. "We're like King Kong. What we are, what we radiate, what we feel is always in the eye of the beholder."

Jared grinned mischievously. "Should we take a selfie with King Kong?"

"By all means."

Jared pulled out his phone, and they both posed close together. But before Jared opened the camera app, he glanced anxiously at the phone. "Shit."

Jensen saw three missed calls and a voice mail in the display.  
"I put the phone on silent when we came into the museum," he said reproachfully as he dialed the voicemail.

"Hey, it's not going to be that bad." Jensen tried to lighten the tense mood. Jared stood motionlessly as he listened to the message and Jensen became nervous. "Hey, we've only been here two hours. That's not enough time to report a missing person." Jared pressed the button that ended the message. He paled, and Jensen's stomach sank. "Hey, is there a boyfriend I should know about?" He can't help it, sarcasm is his 'please-don't-hurt-me' strategy.

Jared glanced in his direction but his eyes didn't find Jensen's. "My father is dead." He spun in a circle surrounded by stuffed animals and props. "I've been gone three hours. I just wanted a few hours to myself..."

"Jared, please..."

"I can't, Jensen." Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I ... I'm sorry, I can't."

Then he turned and left. Long, quick steps and Jensen's brain tried to tell him that he had to go after him, that he had to , but his feet wouldn’t move. And so Jensen stood motionless, until a group of tourists entered the room laughing loudly, unaware of what had happened a few minutes earlier.

The Army defeated King Kong and Dawn is left behind.

***

February

_It’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass._

_Today's special : Raspberry Chocolate Cake_

For ten days, Jensen had hoped to get a sign of life from Jared. He cursed himself for not asking for Jared's number or last name. He was worried, wanted to help, to do something. But Jared did not come. Maybe he just needed time? After ten days, Jensen grew angry. He didn't know why, but the feeling wouldn't go away. He snapped at Jake for being late again. He got into it with Hugh because the raspberries weren't of the best quality. He messed up the frosting on the peanut cookies and threw fifty of them in the trash.

Twice he held the phone in his hand and considered dialing Chris's number, but each time he put it away in a huff.

Nicki tried to talk to him, but quickly realized that this was not what Jensen wanted. He did not want to talk. Talking is what got him into this mess. He let down his walls and now his heart lay free, unprotected and defenseless.

By the thirteenth day, Jensen's wall was firmly intact again.

He cut out heart cookies. Shaped rose petals from marzipan. Tomorrow was Valentine's Day and he had a job to do. Dull as a robot, he bent over strawberry cupcakes and decorated them with colorful icing beads, his back complaining about the awkward posture. He walked to the front of the sales floor, stretched, and marched silently to the espresso machine. The store was quiet, the big rush coming tomorrow. He saw Jake approaching, but didn't bother to turn toward him.

"Jensen, I'm really sorry things didn't work out with you and Jared." Jake's words sounded sincere , but they set off a storm in Jensen. Nicki drew in a sharp breath and tried to reach them both in time.

"It's none of your business what happened between me and Jared, you got that?" He hissed at Jake, then turned to him after all. Angrily, he shoved him. "Why do you think there was something between us?"

If Jake had been reasonable, he would have kept quiet, but Jake could be just as stubborn as his boss.

"How do I know that? My goodness, do you think I'm blind? I may be straight, but I can tell when one boy is ogling another. And Jared, that boy was pining for you. I don't know what you did or said, but I liked Jared. So fuck you Jensen."

Jensen stares at Jake with his mouth open. Never before had Jake even dared to contradict Jensen, and now he was going way too far. Jensen was about to go off when Nicki intervened. " Jensen, wait!" Then she turned to Jake, "What do you mean?"

Stunned, he looked from Nicki to Jensen. "Are you two kidding me? Are you really telling me that neither of you saw the young man sometimes pacing up and down in front of the store for minutes to see if Jensen was coming out? How he studied that stupid chalkboard like he was memorizing it? Seriously? Didn't any of you see how tired he often was, but as soon as he came in here and saw Jensen, he was all smiles. I really don't know why, but Jared was crazy about you."

Nicki puts a hand on Jensen's arm, but he just stares at the floor. She looks sadly at Jake, "Jake, Jensen didn't do anything. Jared did... he decided not to come over anymore."

"And what are you going to do about it?" Jake asks, and for the first time Jensen considers punching him in the face.

"What do you mean? I don't know his number. I don't know his last name. What, am I supposed to strip naked and run through the street shouting his name?"

"Well, I'm sure some would like that, but no."

Jensen snorted contemptuously. "You're such a smartass."

"But the Jensen I know, he doesn't give up because a recipe doesn't work out. He curses and snaps and then tries it again and again until he gets the perfect result."

"Jared is not a cake recipe," Jensen whispers.

"Are you sure?" said Jake, and Jensen stares at him, stunned. "Maybe you're just missing that one, crucial ingredient. How did you first get Jared's attention?"

And suddenly it hit Jensen. He leaves both employees stunned and leaves the cafe. Right in front of it, he sinks to his knees.

_Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents job._

Those were the words that brought Jared to his cafe. And it suddenly makes so much sense.

Jensen wiped the chalk off the board with the rag. If Jared was still here, this was his way of communicating with him. Jensen reached for the chalk in his apron. He would not run away again.

Jensen drew two donuts that lay on top of each other like rings. He knew what he wanted. With a swinging motion, the chalk glided across the board, painting words, feelings, honesty.

_Donut let me go.  
Jared, if you're reading this, know I can try as hard as I want, but you're the one I think about when I wake up, you're the one I think about when I see the sunrise, you're the one I think about when that first sip of espresso touches my lips.  
Because you are my pink elephant.  
I have a rose for you on Valentine's Day. Please come and get it._

Now it was up to Jared.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chocolate Lovebugs_

_Ingredients  
Cupcakes  
Mini paper liners  
c. granulated sugar  
1/2 c. all-purpose flour  
3 tbsp. unsweetened dark cocoa  
1 tsp. baking powder  
1/4 tsp. Kosher salt  
4 large egg whites  
2 tbsp. canola oil  
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract  
2 oz. bittersweet chocolate  
Royal Icing and Decorations  
3 large egg whites  
1/2 tsp. cream of tartar  
1 lb. confectioners' sugar  
Red gel food coloring  
Red, pink, and white medium nonpareils  
Red, pink, and white sugar hearts  
Sanding sugar_

_Directions  
To make the cupcakes: Heat oven to 400 degrees F. Line a 24-cup mini muffin pan with paper liners.  
In a large bowl, sift together the sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt.  
In a medium bowl, whisk the egg whites until foamy, then whisk in the oil, and vanilla. Add the egg white mixture to the flour mixture, stirring just until moistened. Fold in the chocolate.  
Divide the batter among the lined muffin cups and bake until a wooden pick inserted into the center comes out clean, 7 to 9 minutes. Remove from pans and let cool on wire racks. Decorate as desired.  
To make the icing: Using an electric mixer, beat the egg whites and cream of tartar on medium-high speed until foamy, about 1 minute.  
Reduce the speed to low and gradually add the sugar, beating until just incorporated. Increase the speed to high and beat until medium-stiff glossy peaks forms, 5 to 7 minutes.  
Separate into bowls and tint different colors. Transfer 1/3 of each color to separate pastry bags fitted with fine tips. Use a few drops of water to thin the icing remaining in the bowls for filling in : place in separate resealable bags; snip off the corners.  
Using the thicker icing, outline the Lovebug wings on the cupcakes, then fill in using the thinner icing. Decorate while the icing is still wet. For multiple colors, let each icing dry before applying another._

***

Valentine’s Day

"Good luck, Jensen!" Felicia shouted before she and her Halloween knight, whose real name was Clive, left the cafe. For what felt like the hundredth time, Jensen gave a thumbs up. That people were in a good mood because of his coffee, he was used to; that they were happy because of him, Jensen was more than suspicious.

But now there was no turning back. The board stood outside all day yesterday and today. Many regular customers eyed it and read what was written on it, but also many passers-by stopped short, smiled, and went on. Only the one, for whom the message was intended, did not appear.

"Jensen, he will come." Nicki tried to encourage Jensen all day, but with each hour it became more likely that Jared would not come.

A glance at the clock showed Jensen that in an hour the café would close. "Maybe he went back to New York."

Jensen took the empty cookie tray from the display and headed toward the kitchen as the front door opened. Heart pounding, Jensen turned only to see Ruth standing at the door. He sighed, but then walked toward the petite redhead.

"Did he show up, mate?" she asked, rubbing her hands together.

Jensen just shook his head.

"I'm so sorry, darling. I really had a good feeling about you two."

"It seems some people saw something between Jared and me right off the bat that we both had to figure out."

Ruth put her hand to Jensen's cheek. "Don't give up darling."

"I'm not." Jensen tried to smile, then poked his head outside. "Is that...?"

"Yes, that's Rob. We want to try being together." She smiled.

Jensen took her hand in his and kissed it. "I'm happy for you."

Ruth nodded to him, then walked out to Rob. Arm in arm, they continued down the street. Jensen looked once again through the store window in both directions, but there was no sign of Jared.

Jensen made his way into the kitchen. Routine brought him security. He rinsed the trays and cake pans, scrubbed the countertop, and sanitized the food processor. He tried not to think about tomorrow, but it gnawed at him like a dog on a bone. Because tomorrow he really would have to let go.

He looked at the red rose waiting in a small vase. He couldn't bring himself to throw it in the trash.

"Jensen." Nicki's caring voice didn't make Jensen's mood any better.

"Why don't you admit it, Nicki? Let's stop pretending the story has a happy ending. Life just isn't a Hallmark movie."

Jensen braced his hands on his hips, trying not to give in to his disappointment, but it hurt so much. When Nicki still didn't say anything, he finally looked toward her. Big, blue eyes looked at him, full of emotion, and her voice quivered slightly. "There's someone who wants to see you."

Jensen didn't know how to breathe anymore. "Nicki, please don't play with me."

"I'm not," she whispered, and a tear ran down her cheek while she smiled at him.

Nicki nodded at Jensen and walked out in front of him. With trembling knees, he walked back into the cafe. Would... could it be true?

Jensen tried to prepare himself for any possible confrontation. Maybe Jared was sad, or angry, maybe he was embarrassed or disgusted.

Jensen was prepared for anything.

But he wasn't prepared for Jared.

Jared, standing in the middle of the room, with flushed cheeks, and sweat on his forehead. Jared, with the most beautiful smile in the world, and holding the ugliest plush pink flamingo Jensen had ever seen.

_Jared_

Nervously, Jared clenched his fingers in the stuffed animal's fake fur.

When he saw Jensen, he licked his lips and immediately started talking. "I was going to be here a long time ago, but then I thought, I didn’t have anything as a gift, and you should at least bring a little something, right?" Jared was babbling and talking with his hands. The flamingo seemed to fly and Jensen couldn’t stop staring at this _thing_  
“But what do you get someone who has confessed his love to you over a public chalkboard? I mean chocolates would be kind of weird, wouldn't they, and I wouldn't have known which ones you like either."

Jensen tried to stop Jared, but he continued babbling unabated. "And then I got the idea, an elephant, a pink elephant, so I went to the toy store. I mean, where else would you look for a stuffed elephant? But the lady didn't understand my concern and wanted to explain to me that they dont have pink elephants, because that is unrealistic, and I think I'm now banned at this store because I called her a stupid goose. A _gray_ , stupid goose that obviously doesn't understand anything about love. So, I had to leave the store quickly and the only pink thing there was this flamingo, which is _oh_ again such a prejudiced. And I think he's missing an eye, and I dropped him once while I was running, but…“

"Jared!" Jensen literally shouted the words in Jared's direction, but it was enough to finally silence the young man. Jensen walked toward Jared until he was face to face with him.

"Hi," Jensen said, and Jared just smiled. "You're really here."

"I am."

"I didn't know if you'd read it."

"I read your board every day," Jared explained.  
"Jensen, I owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me anything," Jensen objected, but Jared shook his head.

"Yes I do, and I want to."

"Should we go in the back?" Jensen asked, pointing behind him to the kitchen.

Jared glanced around. Except for Nicki, who was still fighting tears, and Jake, who wordlessly handed her a tissue, there was no one else in the café. "No, I want them to hear it, too." He nodded to both of them and began to talk, the plush flamingo held tightly in his hands like a lifeline.

"I was actually perfect in the eyes of my parents. Good grades, friendly, polite, never aggressive. There was just this one flaw. I was gay. But if you don't talk about it, that's not true either, is it?" Jared smiles sarcastically. "So it wasn't talked about, and my parents made it clear very quickly that if I dared to even kiss another boy, they would kick me out the door."

"Jared..." Jensen interrupted sympathetically, but Jared raised his hand.

"Please, let me..." he begged, and Jensen fell silent. "I complied because, as stupid as it may sound, I still wanted to please my parents. I conformed, just tried to ignore it. Then came college, and the opportunity to leave. New York was so foreign, and it took me six months to go out even once. Still I was afraid someone would tell my parents.

Jared stroked his hand over his mouth nervously, but continued. "It was like all of a sudden a dam burst open. All the suppressed feelings inside of me bubbled up, wanted to get out, wanted to be seen. Jensen, I wasn't lying when I said I rarely said no."

"Did you have fun?" Jensen winked, and Jared laughed for the first time that afternoon.

"You bet!" He grinned mischievously before becoming more serious again.

"I was still a good student, though. And I wanted to continue to prove to my parents that I could be both. A good person and ...gay. But our relationship got worse every year. Whenever I tried to broach the subject, my parents balked. I was in a committed relationship for two years, but my parents ignored him. He wasn't allowed to come to Austin, he was nonexistent. And when my relationship failed and I called my parents in tears, all I got from my father was: What God disapproves of never ends well."

Anger spread through Jensen, and he clenched his hands into fists. But as hard as it was for him, he continued to listen to Jared.

"My mother died a year and a half ago. And you know what my dad said at the funeral? That it was my sinful life that put her in the grave. The grief and sorrow for the prodigal son."

Jensen's jaw dropped. "Please tell me you didn't put up with that," he blurted out.

"I didn't. I flew to New York and broke off all contact. The only person I talked to regularly was Meghan, on the phone."

"Good." Jensen found it harder and harder not to hug Jared , but he felt there was more. "Why did you come back?" He asked, fearing he already knew the answer.

"My father has...had Alzheimer's. While my parents were still able to cover it up together, my father became increasingly helpless on his own.Meg found him half-naked at home when she visited him spontaneously. She called me that same evening. I flew to Austin to see for myself. Meg and I lived with him for ten days. My father was a strong man, you know. Maybe narrow-minded and homophobic, but he was a character. To see him like that..."

Jared fought back tears and cleared his throat.

"After ten days, Meg flew home. I stayed. Jensen, I know what you're thinking now. After all that, I shouldn't care. I should get him into a home and go back to New York. And maybe it would have been the right decision... but I couldn't. He was my dad after all. And I thought if he saw that I cared, if he saw that I was there for him, then maybe he would finally accept me for who I am." Jared could no longer hold back the tears. He stroked the flamingo as if it could calm him down.

Jensen put his hand on Jared's. "You've been taking care of him all this time?" He asked gently, and Jared nodded.

“I had help. An outpatient nurse for the day, one for the night, and two neighbors who watched him at night when I went to night school.”

"That's why you could only take one job for the evening," Jensen stated, cursing himself inwardly for not realizing how bad Jared must be feeling.

"It was a daily struggle that got worse with each passing week. Sometimes he didn't recognize me and wanted me to leave his house; sometimes he recognized me and yelled at me about what the fag was doing in his house. Then he’d laugh again and apologize . Or cried and called for my mother.

"Jared, why didn't you say anything? I...we would have helped you. You didn't have to go through this alone." Jensen heard Nicki sniffling behind him, but his full attention was on the young man in front of him.

"Do you know why I came to your store?" Jared asked tearfully.

"The chalkboard?"

Jared nodded. "It was the first day I went out. Mrs. Stewart, one of the neighbors, almost kicked me out of the house to watch something other than the Sports Channel. I was empty and felt alone. Then I saw the text and had to laugh. I came in here and you.... I just laughed for the first time in three weeks. I felt like I was at ease."

"I was so crabby at you." Jensen noted, chagrined.

"And that's exactly what I needed. Someone who wouldn't handle me with kid gloves, someone who wouldn't look at me with that pity look like you're doing now." Jared looks around the room.

"Believe me, I didn't want to say anything not because I don't trust you. I didn't tell you because once a day, for an hour, I didn't want to be Jared the poor son, Jared the no-good, Jared the homo. I just wanted to be Jared."

Nicki stormed around the bar and threw herself into Jared's arms. They hugged tightly for a moment, then she pulled back from him and wiped her eyes dry. "I love you, Jared." She hugged Jensen and gestured to Jake to follow her into the kitchen.

Jensen waited a moment, then stroked Jared's arm. "It may surprise you, but I can understand. So, the second cupcake...?"

"Was for him," Jared's sentence ended. His eyes watered and he reached for Jensen's hand. "I never knew if he was going to eat it and smile, or throw it at me and yell at me. My father was sick, Jensen. No matter how bad the last six months were, I don't regret being there for him. A few times he didn't recognize me. Then he told me about his son who was studying. And how proud he is of him. He could tell a stranger what he couldn't tell me, but it felt so good to hear it. He was getting noticeably weaker the last few weeks. He wasn't feeling well, and he was cranky, yelling, and lashing out. The nurse was there, and we were considering taking him to hospice. I just had to get out, I just wanted to clear my head, and all of a sudden there you were."

"Jared, I didn't know..."

"How could you? Jensen, I liked you from the first moment I saw you. The cafe was my little oasis in the middle of the desert, but you.... seeing you was what I lived for. And when you suddenly stood in front of me, it was like a twist of fate. I enjoyed that time so much." Jared laughs mockingly. "It was like my father knew exactly what I was doing at that moment, like he was punishing me one last time for something that I am."

"I didn't know how to reach you, I would have helped you."

"I know. And that's exactly why I didn't want to."

Questioningly, Jensen looked at him.

"If this is going to work," Jared pointed between them both. "Then my past had to be over. I had to put it all behind me to move forward. Meg and I buried my father, we gave the house to a realtor to sell, and cleared it out. I rented a small apartment and I can continue my job at the night school until I find a day job."

Jensen let the words sink in slowly. Then he looked up at Jared. "You're not going back to New York?"

"It depends."

"What do you mean?" Jensen felt the tension between them rise for the first time since Jared had started opening up to him. Jared closed the gap between them and put his hands around Jensen's waist.

"Do I have a reason to stay?" he asked Jensen, hazel eyes looking at him questioningly.

Jensen tucked a loose strand of hair behind Jared's ear. "That flamingo is really ugly," he whispered , and Jared nodded in agreement.

"We should name him Chad," Jared joked, rubbing Jensen's back with his thumbs.

Jensen's fingers stroked Jared's cheek. "And just so you know, I want a dog."

"Okay, will two work?"

"If the garden is big enough," Jensen countered.

"Garden?" Jared asked, as he pulled Jensen closer to him.

"Yup, the one by our house."

"You mow?"

"Of course."

"Shouldn't we find out if we're compatible first?” Jared grinned and Jensen put his hand on the back of Jared's neck. He pulled Jared down to him and before their lips finally touched, he whispered, "Do you really still have doubts about that?"

"Not since you mention the dog. Hey, where's my rose, anyway?" Jared breathed against Jensen's lips.

"Jared?" Jensen growled playfully.

"Mmm?"

"Shut up and kiss me already."

Fin


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you, and here it is : a little epilogue as a thank you for your kind words, kudos and support.
> 
> It's actually a little hard for me to let go of them....

July

As the first rays of sunlight reached Jensen's pillow, he groaned and crawled dourly to Jared's side. It was ...whatever o'clock in the morning.... but Austin in July was hot and humid. If Jared had his way, the air conditioning would be permanently set to _Arctic_. But neither their bank account nor Jensen's health agreed with that. 

Jensen snuggled against Jared's body from behind, burying his nose in Jared's hair. There was only a murmur from Jared, but he took Jensen's arm and pulled him closer. 

The alarm clock remained silent today. Nicki had taken over the baking for today, and Jake promised to be there an hour earlier than his usual. And if he doesn't want to inflict Nicki's wrath, he will stick to it. 

Jensen had to learn to let go and hold on. Letting go of being in the bakery every day, of wanting to do everything on his own. Nicki had turned out to be quite the baker herself. 

Holding on to that concept, he now woke up next to his partner every day. Jared had hardly slept a night in his apartment since they'd gotten together. At some point, Jake asked why Jared didn't just move out of his apartment since he was never there anyway. When Jared dodged the question, Jensen got suspicious. He brought it up later that evening.

_"Why do you want to hold on to your apartment?" Jensen asked, as they sat on his couch, in front of his tv, drinking his cold beer._

_"No reason." Jared evaded him again._

_"Hey, would you rather be sleeping in your bed...?" Jensen straightened up and turned to Jared._

_"You me to sleep in my bed?" Jared questioned, yawning and stretching his arms in the air so that a bit of his toned belly was visible._

_"No," Jensen replied, as he stared at Jared's bare skin._

_"Okay," Jared said, reaching for his beer and looking back at the tv._

_Jensen leaned back against the couch. For a few minutes he tried to follow the game, but his mind kept going back to the question. Half the contents of Jared's wardrobe hung in Jensen's closet. Jared grocery shopped, and usually prepared their dinner before he left for night school. He had an interview next month for a teaching position at a community high school to get back into a daytime job. Jensen's shower suddenly had more grooming products than he had ever owned in his life._

_So why didn't Jared want to move in with him? Jared even had a key to his apartment, since their schedules were so different. Jared's laptop, which he needed for school tomorrow, was plugged into the charger cord on Jensen’s desk, and the book he was reading lay next to Jensen’s bed._

_Jared put his big, warm hand on the back of Jensen's neck and began to massage it. He continued to watch the game on TV and Jensen closed his eyes with pleasure, concentrating on Jared's miracle fingers._

_It bothered him._

_"Jared, why don't you want to move in with me?" He finally asked._

_Jared didn't stop massaging his neck and watching the television. Softly he said, "Because you're not ready, Jensen. You’re still adjusting to where we are right now." He patted Jensen’s neck and kept rubbing it. “It’s okay. I don’t mind waiting.”_

_Jensen opened his eyes. "Oh."_

_Three months later, Jared left his apartment for good._

Jensen covered Jared's bare shoulders with little, soft kisses. With Jensen denying him the Arctic, Jared slept only in boxers, and Jensen couldn't really see the problem in that. It left lots of skin for him to love on.

_They bought the house eight years ago, complete with a garden, porch, and fence. Jensen mowed the lawn, Jared planted wildflowers, which meant he threw a colorful mixture of seeds in the air and let fate decide. Fate did not mean well for the cornflowers and the first lawn mower._

_Jared got the high school teaching job and his students loved him._

_Their first real fight was over a silly clay turtle the kids had made for Jared. The neck was too long and the turtle always tipped forward. And Jared insisted on putting it in the middle of the garden because that's where turtles belong. As a result, Jensen had already stumbled over the fucking thing twice while mowing the lawn._

_"Jared, the turtle has to go."_

_"No."_

_"I'm fucking tired of falling over it."_

_"Jensen, the turtle is made of clay. It doesn't move."_

_"It's in the way."_

_"Then mow around it!"_

_"Why don't _you_ just mow it?"_

_"Because _you_ wanted a lawn!"_

_"And that's why I get to do everything by myself now?"_

_That was the moment Jensen couldn't breathe. It was nothing, a nothingness, but suddenly it felt like he was trapped in a cage, just like his parents. The _one_ thing he never wanted. He took a few steps to the porch, heard Jared shout something, but the words didn't come through. The blood rushed in his ears. He sat down on the top step and tried to gasp for air._

_Two strong hands clasped his face, then he saw Jared's worried face in front of him and heard him say his name._

_Slowly, his heartbeat calmed. The murmur became quieter and he became aware of his surroundings._

_"Are you okay?" Jared asked, the worry lines still on his forehead._

_"I'm fine," Jensen lied._

_"Jensen, look around you," Jared said, getting down on his knees in front of Jensen._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"This isn't a cage, and no one's locking you up. That fence we painted? It's got a door."_

_"You'd let me go just like that?" Jensen said, indignant._

_"Maybe to the street corner," Jared winked at him. Only now did he take his hands off Jensen's face._

_"We'll have fights, we'll be loud, we'll have more fights, but none of that will stop me from loving you. And compromising with you."_

_"Does that mean the turtle's going away?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Jared!"_

_"It means we're finally getting that stupid lawn robot the Gillians have."_

_"It doesn't cut accurately."_

_"It mows, and doesn't grumble, " said Jared, pulling his shirt over his head as he stood up._

_"What are you doing?" said Jensen, startled, looking down at his half-naked boyfriend._

_Jared unbuttoned his pants and went towards the porch door. "Make up sex." He shrugged. "Are you coming, or do _I_ have to do it all myself?"_

_"On my way."_

_They bought a lawn robot that didn't cut accurately and that cut the turtle's head off the first time it mowed._

Jensen nibbles on Jared's earlobe. "Let me sleep," growled Jared from under a sea of hair. 

"Come on, you're usually all sunshine in the morning."

"You wanted to sit on the patio until midnight."

"Yeah, so?"

"And open that third bottle of wine."

"The vintage was exquisite." 

"I’m an exquisite vintage!! And I still want to sleep!"

"I'm bored."

"Then let Snow and Humphrey Bogart out."

_Eight years ago, they went to the shelter together to pick out a dog. Not too small, but not a giant. Housebroken--he should already be trained. Rather something calmer, for walking._

_Two hours later they came home with  
\- A black tomcat (Snow) who howled at the moon at night and scratched the sofa.  
\- a red tabby cat with only one eye (Humphrey) whose long hair made Jensen furious. Who did not listen to his humans, but with the one eye from afar discovered the food that Jared tried to hide from him.  
\- Two litter boxes  
\- a cat tree that was more expensive than Jensen's TV  
\- food bowls, food, cat snacks, healthy cat snacks (which neither of them ate)  
\- A cuddle pillow (Snow preferred Jared's lap and Humphrey the box the pillow was in  
\- toys - so many toys!_

_To this day, the humans were not sure who had chosen whom. The cats could have answered this, but chose not to._

Sighing, Jared turned onto his back. Jensen propped himself up on one elbow and looked at his partner's muscular body. The jogging was doing Jared good. His body was well-defined , but not thin. 

Jensen stroked through Jared’s long hair, which was turning gray in places. Not that he would tell Jared directly. 

_Jensen also had never told Jared that he stood at Jared's father's grave six years ago. He still didn't know what drew him there. He looked at the plain stone slab and felt ... nothing. He didn't know the man who lay there, but the most important thing in Jensen's life was connected to this man._

_"You can be very proud of your son. He is a smart, loving man, a great teacher, and the best partner I could have asked for. I am proud of him. And as much as I try to hate you, I can't. Because without you, I would never have met this man. Without you, I could not have fallen in love with him. So … thank you."_

Sleepily, Jared opened his eyes. "Where are you with your thoughts?" he asked, and Jensen smiled.

"About how we met."

"Softie!" teased Jared, and Jensen bit his chest.

"Ouch!"

"You deserve it!" 

Jared reached for Jensen's hand. They interlocked their fingers. On their forearms, just above the pulse, they had the same tattoo, a rose with thorns and writing that read, "No regrets." 

Jared pulled Jensen to him and kissed him. Jensen lay on top of him, and the kiss became more intense, more intimate…

Jared's kisses tasted like cherries and almonds. Sweet, nutty, soft, and hard. 

The fence door was never locked, but Jensen had no reason to leave. His life was not rosy, he had to learn to compromise, to experience setbacks. He had to learn to trust others and to trust himself. He had to learn to love and to be loved. 

Sometimes you want to have a dog, and you come home with two cats that you adore. Sometimes you think a house is the tightest prison, and it is the greatest freedom. Sometimes you flee from love, and find it right in front of you.

Jared fixed the turtle and gave it a permanent place - on the porch.

Chad, the flamingo was sitting downstairs on the couch because, to quote Jensen: "The critter won't stare at me in our bedroom!"

In the fridge (along with smoothies, Tupperware, and wine) was a blueberry mascarpone cheesecake. 

It was Jared's 42nd birthday. He still loved blueberries.

Jensen had a little box tucked away in the back corner of their closet. Maybe this year he would have the nerve to ask.


End file.
